Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Wow, 366 days,,

I mean its not like its the last day of school or anything and I can just throw my papers in the air....though it would be nice if we could just be like redo because its the new year. I wish but tomorrow will be like any other day except it will end with an 09. I've already did a review of this year and to be honest I really don't have much of anything new to say. I've come to realize that I really miss my family, I haven't laughed that much since I was living at Mechanic and everyone was there just chillin. I've traveled a lot this year, well for not being a business traveler I did some flying albeit alone, which I don't like...I don't like doing things alone......I'm better in a pair then flying solo everywhere ( damn I have to stop seussing- {I made that word up})

Anyways the trip up to GR was good, I spent time with my sis and Noah, took them out to brunch like the cool brother that I am, we talked, we laughed-the common variable this past weekend...I know where I get my silliness, its my mom..and I know where I get the other conflict traits, My dad.
I'm rambling, I should go shave because I look like a wookie right now!

It was nice to meet you 2008, can't say that I enjoyed you as much as I'd hope but we tried right, so I don't know how to tell you this but you should probably go...2009 is waiting for me.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

A Sentimental Playlist

A valiant try, to navigate to your heart through lyric and song.
I've picked out 10, no make that 15, oh lets just say an even 20. 20 songs that will tell a story, a story about how I met a girl. Through perfect and imperfect circumstances we met and our conversation lasted, it lasted years, I thought I'd be in the middle of that for rest of my life. Even though I didn't know you and you didn't know me, you had my playlist. Each song, each tune told you how I felt about you. It was never meant to last you see, I was passing by on my way to my life, your words, your curves, your eyes and your sweet lies they all came together but the list had to end.

It took ever nerve inside me to ask and Its taken every nerve to Let Go.

Coming down to the end, I think I'll ride it out..

Goodluck, takecare, and peace out.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Thanks Mom

So I know this is a picture of a picture and that you can see the little HP in the back, well that happens to be the scanner that I was trying to use but it doesn't work so I'm doing a ghetto post.
This is a pic of me and my mom way back when, she's pretty great and I'm very happy to have her as my mom. She gave me the best present today, a ticket to come see her and my family! I'm pretty stoked about that seeing how I would be sitting in my house today by myself eating ramen noodles.

I'm sure everyone has their hero's, mine just happens to be my mom! =)
Merry Christmas...

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Another version to a wonderful song..

If the fish swam out of the ocean
and grew legs and they started walking
and the apes climbed down from the trees
and grew tall and they started talking

and the stars fell out of the sky
and my tears rolled into the ocean
now i'm looking for a reason why
you even set my world into motion

'cause if you're not really here
then the stars don't even matter
now i'm filled to the top with fear
but it's all just a bunch of matter
'cause if you're not really here
then i don't want to be either
i wanna be next to you
black and gold
black and gold
black and gold

i looked up into the night sky
and see a thousand eyes staring back
and all around these golden beacons
i see nothing but black

i feel a way of something beyond them
i don't see what i can feel
if vision is the only validation
then most of my life isn't real

'cause if you're not really here
then the stars don't even matter
now i'm filled to the top with fear
but it's all just a bunch of matter
'cause if you're not really here
then i don't want to be either
i wanna be next to you
black and gold
black and gold
black and gold
Listen here

Because I'm bored

They couldn't help but notice

Hey ya'll


Because sometimes sports matter

This is why I'm hot

Monday, December 22, 2008

Can't sleep..

I don't know how it started again..but Its ten after 2 and I can't fall asleep?!
That kind of worries me..

I guess I'll try harder..

3 more days till Christmas..

No snow, no ice, but yet this might be the coldest christmas!

9 days left and this year is over...looking for a fresh start in the odd year..

Ok, I'm boring myself into sleep so I guess this worked..

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


I find it funny the things that people give each other for presents. I have a rich history of interesting gifts, I've been given a pair of pj's for Xmas from my ass hole step-father but he also got me a tool box( though that doesn't make up for him being a pun intended) I've gotten a VHS tape that I found out didn't work, along with a Betty bop wallet which I think I still have somewhere, in fact I might of used it briefly. Its rare that I get what I asked for and even when I do the person who gave it me to acts as if they don't like what I asked for?!

You're probably saying he's being stupid, OK, perhaps but I remember Christmas circa 1987 *I might be off a year or two* when my folks took me to walmart to pick out my present, it should be a win win situation for me right? Wrong! I picked a Nintendo game system, it was the last one on the shelf and I picked it up and took it to my cart. Man I was soo happy because I thought I was getting a Nintendo; I could see myself playing Mario all day the next day. Somehow, I don't know how they decided that the Nintendo wasn't right for me!? So they picked out this other system, it was a learning system called Socrates and it cost more than the stupid Nintendo! You know how bummed I was, that I fooled myself into thinking if I answered all the damn math questions with out missing one that I would unlock Double Dragon at the end of it..that never panned out but I did get really good at math..thanks Ma & Alex.

I feel a little bit sheepish bringing it up since I have contributed to one of those gifts that makes you scratch your head..I sold my bread maker two days ago to a very spirited lady off craigslist.
As we exchanged our final goodbyes she told me she was giving this as a present to her ex-boyfriend who she is still friendly with. I thought of the irony of it all, My whatever you wanna call it is contributing to yet another head scratching move...the lady seemed attached to this man and here she was buying him a bread maker, nothing says "I couldn't care less what you want" than giving a bread maker to a MAN. I get it now, It just took me a year to figure it out.

So I would like to apologize to that ex-boyfriend who will be getting my bread maker. I didn't do anything to deserve it but you must of been a real piece of work!

Sunday, December 14, 2008


As of late I've been contemplating about shutting down, as in just not ever writing on this blog/journal or as I like to say this open wound again. I'm pretty sure that I have no clue of how I actually feel right now. If I were to describe myself in a color I would say that I'm a shade of Melancholy that is close to enough to be mistaken for sad. I think God created Love to keep people from ever getting too smart, because as clever, witty or smart as I ever feel when it comes to loving someone that I shouldn't love, I'm absolutely stupid.

Damnit, I'm at crossing at a pivotal point in that I need to make a conscience decision to never go back, I could love you forever and I could say I'd wait forever but I have a life to live that doesn't involve maybe's and flaky desicion making. You think...I don't know what you think, I don't know you anymore. I literally don't know who you are anymore. I am but stranger at your door, with words that meant something but they don't mean shit anymore. I can ponder, I can hope, I can try to do things that will help me cope but I don't want to know you anymore. Everyday traces of you chip away, yesterday I forgot how I met you, today I don't recognize your smile, and tomorrow well tomorrow who knows what else might wash away.

Its not ok but there isn't much I can do about it anyway.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008


sometimes i just need: to yell as loud as possible.

sometimes i want: to just disappear for a while
sometimes i like to: say absurd things for the reactions
sometimes all it takes: is a smile..

sometimes i picture: sitting on a bench smiling and being happy with the choices I’ve made.

sometimes i wish: That I was the first and only choice.

sometimes i find: it hard to hide my feelings when i really need to be hiding my feelings.

sometimes i take: The longest way home because I don’t want to be alone.

sometimes i look: great but feel like shit

sometimes i hate: having to wait for things to become clear

sometimes it’s nice: to just not care..

sometimes it hurts: to think back how much I’ve been taken for granted.

sometimes it makes me happy: helping others that didn’t expect my help but were appreciative anyways.
sometimes it’s sad: to think about how much time I wasted on one part of my life.

sometimes i listen: to nothing, absolute silence. Its extremely loud when this happens.

sometimes i sleep: with 5 pillows.

sometimes i like to watch: Girly shows….

sometimes i feel: like I was born in the wrong era.

sometimes i rant: About sports..

sometimes i never: know when to say no.

sometimes i really: wonder if i'm ever truly awake.(I kept this one because I totally think about this..alot)

When I’m ..

sad, i want: to be around people that love me.

happy, i need: to be able to share it..

mad, i wish: I acted like I didn’t care..

overjoyed, i find: I feel like a kid again.

indifferent, i like to: Just let things happen.

content, i never: I’m never really content..

frustrated, all it takes: A good release of energy to ease my angst.


you saw your best friend on one side of the road, but you also saw one of your close family members on the other side, and they were both in serious danger, who would you go to help first?... My famly...

you had the choice of going back in time or to go forward in time to see the future, which would you choose?... I think like an analyst, so I could effect both by going back in I’d go back..

jesus was standing right in front of you, what would you say to him?... I’m trying really hard but I need your help, please give me peace

Friday, December 05, 2008

26 days..

Thats all that is left from 2008...Geez, Its crazy that you could blink and its done! I think its hilarious how time can drag its feets or just rush on by whatever it does you never really have a choice in the matter-you're an unwilling passenger!

Anyways I had another little session lastnight and I'm actually glad that I decided to go to the rapy..I'm a conflicted person in that I fight my logic and my heart, Its humerous to me that I'm really dumb when it comes to this...the matters of the heart but then again love is blind. (ugh cliche)

I'm soo sleepy right now..that i think I'm going to go out to my car and take a little nap..

Monday, December 01, 2008

I don't know

I look at that picture, the one that your family has so kindly posted of you and your boyfriend ( saying it makes me a bit uneasy) makes me extremely sad. The heading over your group pic stings as well but I suppose that it is part of life, we don't mean as much to others as we think...I wish I could say I reacted in a positive way but who am I kidding, I'm emotionally charged and my logic takes a backseat at that point. It would be nice if I could I could just forget you and replace you like you're doing with me.

I don't know you anymore, I look at you and you're a stranger. There are hints of what I knew but those are just words that mean as much as our past.
One day this blog will consist of things that don't refer to you. One day I'll go through the day without whispering your name, one day my mind won't linger on the thought of you, One day you'll stop to matter, One day I'll stop wondering why you had to go, and one day I'll stop loving you. Soon that day will come.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

If you forget me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Pablo Neruda

Wednesday, November 26, 2008


What a year Its been, memorable in every which way. I know its not over but its pretty much barrelling to an end after this week. Its really amazing to think all that has happened up to now.

  • One of my bestfriend's got engaged on the very first day,

  • mmurill,GH and jb had their first kids this year,

  • Justin got a girlfriend

  • The cubs were good again and then they were bad again!

  • I voted for change and I finally felt like I was heard.

  • America was able to look past the shade of a man to find a new leader

  • I was reminded how great and amazing it is to have great friends.

  • I was reunited with all my family.

  • I spoke to the man who I called dad for 14 yrs again after 10yrs of silence.

  • I flew, I flew, and I flew again but I never got away from what I flew from.

  • I went home again...

  • I got a ticket and then 3 days later I got another one

  • I laughed more than I ever had before

  • I cried more than I ever have

  • I got fat and then lost a lot of it in weeks..

  • I put myself out there and everyone saw how vulnerable I can be.

  • I held a baby and It felt right.

  • I found myself while I was getting lost

  • I had amazing conversations with strangers on plane rides

  • I ran into people in planes, airports, and churches that I never expected to see.

  • I fell in love again this year.

  • My integrity was questioned and then my character answered those questions.

  • I spent a lot of money

  • I saw Alex say I do

  • I heard HER say I can't.

  • Though I thought I had given up on God, he hasn't given up on me.

Although some of it was bad and some of it was good, I'm giving thanks for all of it. Its not a perfect life but its my life, at least it was this year.

Eat turkey, drink wine, fall asleep, or whatever you do this time of year, just live in the moment.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Doing what I have to..

I spent last night among a group of guys that I never ever really hang out with...but the other option was being alone at home and that isn't a option that I wanted to exercise.
You know its only seems fitting that as my life is falling apart at the same time as our country is melting. No, I don't see any correlation...wait, wait..perhaps..there is..hear me out. The powers that be believed that our large private corporations best interest also included the best interest of the country which I could in a very sheepish way translate into I believed that my beautiful ex best interest also included my best interest. However I don't get a bailout!

..I've been channeling some energy into actual activities. I visited the nice punching machine at the wing house and I got a 886, on my first punch, the high score is 926 and the guy spent $30 bucks to get that score. There was a group of guys playing pool and they were impressed with my score, I was told that it's a redneck game-you go to the fair,get drunk, and punch the bag all day?! All I could do is think about how many teeth the guys were missing while they were telling me the story. My response to his little story was "Hey man I just have some pent up frustration that I need to get rid of.."There is something primitive about punching a bag, as if just hitting something as hard as you can will solve anything but for its bonehead notion I have to say it feels damn good.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

If I ever...

Got in the car today and I just drove. I drove to coast, I ended up at the Atlantic or New Smyrna Beach to be more specific. I drove to the spot that I'm most familiar and I just walked, I walked and I walked some more. The sun was setting behind the tall condo on the beach, there weren't that many people out but enough were there to make feel like I wasn't all alone. I took pictures and waved hi to a couple of kids riding around in scooter. I did a lot of thinking and arguing with myself. Sometimes thats the best kind, to hear yourself out and realize what you're saying is either the craziest thing you've said or smartest. I haven't been that smart lately, I haven't been able to help myself through this ordeal that I've been thrown into. I don't feel sorry for myself and I hope that no one does but I do feel helpless. I should be loved the way that I loved, I should be treated the way I've treated...I'm good enough, I'm better than good enough... I'm tired of having to go through the same crap. I'm over the confusion, there isn't anything confusing about me, that's why you date. You put in the work and sometimes you get rich and sometimes you go broke, but in the end you know, you just know.

If I ever wake up from this..I hope I can look back and say I'm a better man because of it.

Friday, November 21, 2008

There isn't a freckle I haven't named

I did my best to notice when the time was right and I'm formulating thoughts into words.
Forgive me if I'm forward in speaking about my heart but my intentions are pure.
I'm no longer weak and you're running out of time to speak.
Its time to know, Will you do what you say or will you let me go?

A future lays ahead for us regardless of what we do.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry that we don't live in a perfect story.
If I could I'd be a thief I'd change my stars to a Maple leaf.
I never wanted to say goodbye but wake up see you smile and whisper hi.

With every passing day my angst builds, this isn't a race it has its pace.
I use to think that I was lacking, I was coming up short but now I know that isn't the case.
I've jumped in, I've let go of the edge, could we be strangers by the end?

I know your looks, I know your smiles, I know your laughs, I know your kisses, and I knew your heart. I've noticed when you thought I didn't, I listened when you thought I couldn't, I've loved you when I thought I shouldn't. I know you...I know you. Don't hold that against me.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


For every sweet dream that my mind could see
there always seem to be a nice similarity
you were my sweet honey and I was your bumble bee
But no matter what it was, it always just about you and me.

I took your words for more than they were worth
cause I was sure that we'd love each other till we left this earth
for all we hoped and fought for, and our precious time
I kneeled down so I could ask If you'd always be mine.
I haven't been the same since that day in July
I would of loved you till the day that I die
Now when we talk, I fight the urge to cry
Because when I hear you say you love me, I know its just a lie.

So you should know If I had a choice I'd share my love and life.
When it came to you I'd always pick to be on your side
I'd hope you'd take my ring and you'd say you'd be my wife
But instead I'm calling you today to say that this is my last goodbye.

~By ME

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Logic and reason

Its interesting that you those things (Logic and Reason) go hand and hand. If one is missing the other one lacks, like talking to a person that says they can relate to you but the can't really relate to me unless they're me..there's only one me.

After church today I stopped by lily park on my way home. What was suppose to be a short little stop but it ended up being a hour + stay. I just sat on the benches and stared at the fountain out in the middle of the pond. I stared at its simplicity, they way it only did one thing, shoot water up out of the lake. I listened to my Ipod and tried to let the world just pass me by. The single mom feeding the duck with her little tike, the elderly man teaching his grandson how to ride his bike....there was a collection of variety on hand today. It was peaceful to allow myself to just let everything go by.

I'm tired...I think I might just close my eyes and see what tomorrow brings.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Rakastan, Amor, Love, Amore.Je t'aime

I recently visited a friend's blog and the most recent post was about Love. Here's the link Its About Love

Its very compelling argument, actually I don't think its an argument as much as its a call to our hearts, perhaps to our logic. I voted NO on amendment 2, because I don't think I can deny others their happiness just because I don't choose to live their lifestyle. The same time we elect our first black president we still struggle with the idea of love and who can love each other.

We all strive to find someone that we can love, a person that feels like home. I can't choose who I love, the heart and mind want what they want. The same can be said about everyone, it doesn't have to make sense to you or me as long as it makes sense to those who are in love. I scribbled something down:

My heart will beat for you even though you choose to look the other way.
Call it what you will, a long uphill battle but its a thrill. Our love is raw, our love is true.
I'd face the world to proclaim my ache, against all odds, through my pain, through our shame, this love here, until I break it will remain.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Proximity isn't a quality, its a coincidence.

Accessibility is a dangerous commodity when dealing with a wounded heart. Progress can be altered and feelings can resurface, the notion of just because is more cruel than it should be. Say what you mean to say and not what you feel you had to say.

~I am not at the point where I can ignore a call from you because I no longer need to hear what you have to say or because the sound of your voice no longer has an effect on me. I am incapable of hiding how I feel about you, It always takes me a day to be able to cope with our conversations, what we talked about is between you and me...but why do you make things so damn hard. My mind is racing now, my hands are shaking, and my heart is pounding out of my chest because I'm twisting and turning, I'm upside down when I'm right side tell me that I need to understand but you yourself don't understand. Our conversations aren't going to be just casual, I don't know what it means to be casual with have been my best friend, you've been my partner, you've been my dreams, you've been my rock, you've been my everything. That's why I can't trust myself when it comes to you; when it comes to you I don't follow logic, I follow my heart, and frankly I want to kick my heart in the ass.

There will always be setbacks, and there always be challenges..but with every roadblock there's an opportunity for progress.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Where has the time gone?

Its sucks, time doesn't stop, even when it feels like you're stuck in slow motion, people have moved on, life has moved on. I can close my eyes right now and think back 10 yrs, I was back in Michigan in my first qtr at Andrews, I remember thinking how much I hated being there. It was a tough time period for me because I didn't know many people ironically I came away with a bucket load of friendships I still have today. I don't want to get all melancholy, the reality of it is that I'm a sensitive person, emotional would actually be a better way to describe me. aaaaaaaaaaaaaa....

I feel like shit..I still feel like shit..I'm trying really hard to move on, it might be Nov for everyone else but it still feels like its July to this very moment I find it hard to enjoy the things that I use to enjoy. I laugh, I smile, I jump, I run, I drink and I eat...but they don't feel the same right now.... I don't really want to talk about it because I know people don't  want to hear it but its my life righ tnow and when it comes out its because its fucking consuming fuels my anger, it charges my disappointment, and it enhances my vulnerability...I don't have a choice, its just to much to keep it inside. Why can I say this ..well this blog is like a mirror to me, I don't see anyone else but me. I'm talking aloud, I can't choose who will hear me..

All I have are words, words can reach where my eyes can't see
they encompass a feeling but they can't tell the whole story about me
So I find songs that can resonate about my pain
These ain't songs about hate but I know I'll never love the same.
In the night, I hear 'em talk,
the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless..
How could you be so heartless?
Oh.. How could you be so heartless?
How could you be so, cold as the winter wind when it breeze, yo
Just remember that you talkin' to me though
You know need to watch the way you talkin' to me, yo
I mean after all the things that we've been through
I mean after all the things we got into
Hey yo, I know of some things that you ain't told me
Hey yo, I did some things but that's the old me
And now you wanna get me back and you gon' show me
So you walk around like you don't know me
You got a new friend, well I got homies
But in the end it's still so lonely
In the night, I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless..
How could you be so heartless?
Oh.. How could you be so heartless?
How could be so Dr. Evil, you bringin' out a side of me that I dont know..
I decided we weren't gon' speak so
Why we up 3 A.M. on the phone
Why does she be so mad at me fo'
Homie I dont know, she's hot and cold
I won't stop, I won't mess my groove up
'Cause I already know how this thing go
You run and tell your friends that you're leaving me
They say that they don't see what you see in me
You wait a couple months then you gon' see
You'll never find nobody better than me
In the night, I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless..
How could you be so heartless?
Oh.. How could you be so heartless?
Talkin', talkin', talkin', talk
Baby let's just knock it off
They don't know what we been through
They don't know 'bout me and you
So I got something new to see
And you just gon' keep hatin' me
And we just gon' be enemies
I know you can't believe
I could just leave it wrong
And you can't make it right I'm gon' take off tonight
Into the night...
In the night, I hear 'em talk,
the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless..
How could you be so heartless?
Oh.. How could you be so heartless?
~Kayne West

Monday, November 03, 2008

One of those days

My head feels heavy, it could be the congestion or it could be all the thoughts running around causing me to be a little light headed. I know, how can my head feel heavy if its light headed? I don't know. To be honest with you I don't understand alot of things that happen in life, Particularly my life, things shouldn't be so damn hard..people are by nature simple.

For a much as I like to say that everyone is different, the things that I need in my life are pretty much the same as everyone else. I need to be nourished, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
If I thought I was lonely before, now I'm a damn Island. The comfort I had in talking to someone that I thought loved me and cherish me has been eradicated and replaced with empty words and memories that really don't mean anything. If I were told that after being with someone for 3yrs all you'll have is memories I'd tell that person to go sit it on it. The gestures bring no comfort, the pleasantries are just that... pleasantries, who stays in a relationship just for the consolation prize? I'll tell you, NO ONE!

So here I am, evaluating myself, I'm trying to pick myself up from a hole that I help dig. I would love nothing more than act like she's acting and have the dumb self serving responses, to act in rash manner because the situation calls for it. Is it responsible to act irresponsible if you know that it will help?

I was asked what I will be looking for in the next person that I meet ( Its a scary thing to think about since I don't know if I'll be ready for a long time) but I was able to scribble some things down.
1. Integrity-Does what they say they'll do.
2. A true understanding of themselves, (I can't go through anymore growing pains with women.)
3.Someone that has a strong foundation, friends and a social life outside of me.
4.Lives their life for them and not what others want them to live
5.Most importantly someone that knows how to love themselves so if God willing they can love me the right way.

I don't think its too much to ask to be with someone thats figured out who they are so they don't have to use me to figure that out..

Thursday, October 30, 2008

This has been one of those weeks that I would soon hope to forget

I've gotten two tickets, a car accident, pull my groin, and tomorrow would of have been an anniversary not realized with hol. When it rains, it pours! I'm feeling a little bit numb to everything, my therapist says that my external presentation is one that would leave you to believe that i'm dealing with this really well..but my words say otherwise. Its clearly apparent to her that I still love hol..but I'm making some head way, that I'm looking at the relationship for what it was..

I talked to her about how I cry every time I see my sister's DVD ( you know the collection of pictures, video with Noah)...It hurts because I have that, I have the mountains of pictures of places where we where together, the video's of us doing stuff, the history of a relationship that spans a couple of years...but there's nothing behind those was a shell of pretty much nothing. Its a DVD that will never be made. That hurts, its hurts to know that its not meant to be and perhaps was never meant to be...its a damn waste of time...I still feel love but all I get is this damn pity. I don't need pity, I don't need the nice gestures and empty words, I needed it to be real..I'm coming undone at the seams, my life is unraveling and I'm coming to find out that I was loving a lie, I was dreaming, and that all I held true was just a collection of words. Everything has come crashing on me...there's nothing worse than being lied to and being lied to with a smile. Though everyone has moved on from the initial shock of it..I'm still living it, it hasn't gotten easier..tomorrow doesn't stop meaning what it would of meant if nothing had changed. I didn't get all of sudden better...I'm still hurt..and I'm still fucking mad...but now I'm less blind then the day before.. and every time you call him and you say what you say, it doesn't make it any more true just because you've stop calling me and you've thrown me out of your life. We must be the two dumbest people in the world, but for two different reasons..

Monday, October 27, 2008

I teared up..

Mr and Mrs Noah Desmit

I guess it was hard not to get choked up when I saw my baby sister in her white wedding dress. I remember us growing up, which seems like a eternity ago. I believe that if we surround ourselves with good people good things happen and Noah is definitely good people. How he's able to deal with Alex is probably the most impressive thing, she's a firecracker, she's been a firecracker since the first time I laid eyes on her at Grandma's house and they said this is your little sister{ she smelled funny :) } ... I have to be honest that I was disappointed that she was a girl because I wanted a brother. I got over it and I'm soo thankful to God that he gave me a sister like her and A mom like mine, and a family like the one I have.

Was I a little sad that I got beat to the alter, yeah ..but not because I wasn't has more to do with everything that you spend, the things you sacrifice and I never felt that Holly was willing to sacrifice anything for me. The more and more I realize it and dissolve this I'm seeing how selfish she was. Everything was about her, from moving here and moving away and not coming back, me moving up there wasn't about us it was more about her. Was I selfish too, heck yeah but I was willing to sacrifice, I was willing to give up everything but what was she willing to sacrifice?

Its interesting how weddings make you take stock of your relationships, present and past. I thought as I waited for my sister to walk down the aisle, if I would of asked earlier would it have been different? I don't think it would of, me asking a month earlier a week earlier wouldn't have made her be any different. It wasn't the relationship that was the problem but the mere fact that she doesn't know who she is...

... "better now than later" that is the common thing that I've kept on hearing I ... I just wished you would of worked on you, because there is something missing in you, you were right about that but what are you doing about it?

You probably did me a favor and saved me a world of heartache, In the end I guess you underestimated how much I loved you and I over estimated how much you love me...

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

High Fidelity..

So I made the fatal mistake of watching High Fidelity lastnight, Its a movie that deals with John Cusack and this Finnish looking gal and their break up. Apparently I have forgotten that not only is this movie really funny but its also has a lot of elements that hit home. The part where he's lying in bed and he can't sleep because his mind is racing...needless to say I had to turn it off.

Hmm, I think I could do a Top 5 of my memorable break up..
5. Kelly circa 7th grade-It was my first break up and I thought as any dumb kid that we'd be together forever.
4.Lisa circa 1st yr at AU- This was the first time I broke up with a girl, I hated it, I felt soo horrible, I actually broke up with her twice..I hated seeing her cry.
3.Michele-circa 2001- Fell for this cute east coast west coast gal...but we were too different at the end, hurt like hell and I went on a destructive path of careless behavior..but at least she was honest.
2.Holly circa 2002- I was in no way looking for a girlfriend but this beautiful blonde stole my heart, as hard as I tried not to fall she made it harder not to fall in love. She broke my heart like no other. I had to move and start a new life...
which leads me to number 1, yeah she makes an appearance again..
1. Holly circa 2004-2008..I left her behind or so I thought and then I get this call..She shook me up and by the middle of 2005 we were back..things were going great and then she left and went back home, didn't come back and we stayed together, perhaps it was mistake but if a girl like her can make me move she could certainly make me try to work out a long distance relationship.. the result at the end lead to most of the past 3 months worth of blog entries. If I thought she broke my heart before I had no clue of what was in store for the encore....

That is my top 5....

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

People notice

I thought no one would notice..seeing how I'm the one who's always noticing..Its spilling over at work. My boss just asked me if I was ok! She said that I'm quieter than normal... ugh..

I've been listening to some mellow music lately to see if I can calm my demons if you will..Joshua Radin, Ray LaMontagne, Jack Savoretti, Jesse McCarthy, oops did I say Jesse McCarthy! ha ha ok I like that song he's got right now, I'm a sucker for pop music!

You know how many loves songs there are out there? Alot, and I like alot of songs are no fun when you're heart is mangled. Its interesting when I found a lot of my old poems when I was at home..they dealt with a lot of heartache, want, disappointment... I don't know if I'm attracted to women that haven't found out who they are or I'm just too accepting.
When it comes to love I don't think I have much common sense ..I give and give but I forget to ask back.
Here's a song I've been hearing alot in my ipod.. Amos Lee
Better Days:

The darkness has always been,
The world was born into a blanket of sin,
When all the faith's been gone,
Still we found a reason to carry on,
Through the worry, worry, worry,
Caught in an endless maze
Oh when the lights go out,
All i can think about,
Is how, we've seen better days...
Oh lover lately i've been thinkin i might leave you,
As you're surrounded by these fools who do deceive you,
Yes our past is wretched true,
But i'm still in love with you,
That's why i am still refusin to give in to
All this worry, worry, worry
Caught in an endless maze,
But when the lights go out,
All i can think about,
Is how, we've seen better days
Where do we go from here,
While we're all so consumed by fear,
Why im trying not to be suspicious of those im suspicious of,
I'm tryin to crack open this angry heart and find a little love,
Still i worry, worry, worry,
Caught in an endless maze,
Still when the lights go out,
All that i can think about is how we've seen better days,
Oh when the lights go out,
All i can dream about,
Is how, we've seen better days...
listen here

Sunday, October 19, 2008

I apparently have lost the taste for watching sports?

I feel a bit anxious sitting in a place where I'm suppose to be watching something instead of talking. The act of conversation is something that is really appealing to me. I like talking to people, I feel like I can talk to anyone, well almost anyone. I went to a therapist this past week and to be honest with you I don't like it, I don't like how the act of it has really become a commodity. A stranger basically told me that there was a treatment plan that she hoped to develop for me? What? Seriously I don't think I'm capable of following something like that because I don't follow others, I walk to my own beat, I go against grain.

It sucks, I'm my worst enemy right now. I know it, I feel it, but its how it is. I know there are parallels that people can draw from to relate to me. Its just whether I can do it, it whether I want to do it. I don't like pain and this fucking awkwardness that I feel right now, the loneliness is just eating at me. The questions about why I'm not married or whatever you wanna call it...I hate it, I hate that I have to explain that its not by my damn choice that I'm not married, that i don't have someone to go home to. I invested in myself as much as humanly possible and then they quickly say "aw, it wasn't meant to be, you'll find someone..." Yeah I'll know when..damn it I knew, I knew..

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

From the moment that I left
Everything had changed
Now I lay awake in my empty room
In my head it all feels the same

Like the taste of the day I left
That still lingers on my breath
And the dampness of tears that left
A stain where I had wept

All alone with a diamond ring
That still sits next to my bed
I keep meaning to toss it away
But I just leave it there instead

No need to cry about it
I'll move on without it
Every time I wind up out your door

Why do you do this to me?
You cut right through me
Every time I wind up out your door

It was 1 more day 'til I saw your face
so nervous, so anxious, couldn't keep up the pace
cleaned the house and made up the bed
Dialed your number but all got was a busy tone instead.

Never took you for granted
You’re were my reason for living
there’s no way I was giving up,

Didn't think I would cry about it
I'll move on without you
Seems like every time I wind up out your door.

How did you do this to me?
You fucking lied to me
Every time I wind up back on the floor.

Now every night is a bitter fight
And I’m eating home alone on a Thursday night
I wasted my good love and time
I will never let you conquer my mind

I won't cry about it
I'll be better without it
In time you'll start to regret it
and when you call you'll hear me say "learn how to live with it"

You'll stroll around and smile like nothing is wrong
You'll lie to those who love you
But the lies you tell will catch up to you, it won't be long
You can makes excuses but it wasn't me this was all you.

I'm gonna live my life, won't let another barley slip through my fingers
I hope you enjoy yours, lesson plans, one night stands, new friends, pot and beer cans.

Life is a bitch and apparently I loved one too!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Trippin over trips

I had a great time seeing my family this weekend, it was much needed and long over due.
I can't tell you how excited and curious I was when I arrived in Grand Rapids Thursday night..4 yrs is a long time to be away. Friday morning I just drove around, I went to my old Academy and was surprised by the changes, I went by old coffee shops I use to go to write my sappy poems, I visited my high school and was asked If I need a attendance pass like I still went to school there? That was actually sorta of funny..
Alex found me at Barnes & Noble and we hung out till Mom got out of work. It was really sneaky of us, Alex picked her up from work and I followed incognito in my rental. A couple of times I thought that she had seen me. So anyways we get to the restaurant and Alex and Mom go inside...I tried calling her to wish her happy birthday ( which was a day later and not on Friday like I thought! oops) anyways I got right next to her and I said something like hey stranger or something totally awesome. She was really happy to see was really nice to know that I made her day by just coming up to see her. So I just hung out with my ladies this weekend, mom found some old pics and poems..stuff from like the summer of 04..which I probably should of kept but it was hard to read them...I feel it now but 10 times more than back then. I guess I thought I could fly to places and just have this be something I left behind me, on the way home.. I realized that its still on the surface, very real and very strong. I got one more trip two week back to Michigan for Alex's wedding, that will be very hard on me for many reasons...

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Colliding with the past when you're trying to live in the now can be a tricky thing.
I took this picture of me yesterday...what I find interesting is that I was trying to smile..I think I took the picture like 3 times until I finally said screw it..
The man who writes about himself and his own time is the only man who writes about all people and all time. - George Bernard Shaw
I don't really get it? What are you exactly are you trying to say? I mean to be honest sometimes I like Chinese fortune cookies better. I carry this one in my wallet..I got it while I was eating at Pei Wei like a month ago..
" A lifetime of happiness lies ahead of you." Author Charlie the chimp..
but nonetheless I like it, I get it, and I'm looking forward to it..
Ah...Que Vida!

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Who wants a bread maker?

I'm selling a bread maker for pretty cheap..its been used twice..? if you're interested leave a comment or email me..

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

short lived beard

Since the cubs got swept from the playoff's I guess it would be kind of ridiculous to still sport the rally beard.


Its been a very hard couple of months for me, I've never been under as much stress as I have this summer. The holidays aren't going to be easier but just a brutal reminder. Having to tell myself to let go and actually telling her has been overwhelming. I know that I'm not ready but I know that I'd never be ready, my mental health is falling apart... I'm tired of feeling sad and I'm tired of thinking about how everything went to shit.
I know I should be mad, that I should have a ton of anger inside of me and I do fight the urge to punch a hole in the wall but more than that I just feel incredibly sad. That sadness is killing me, I can't lie to myself...its really hard to think about anything else. I've been keeping myself busy but come on, this is bigger than just a little break up..I lost more than just girlfriend, she was my best friend, my family, and I can't help but hurt. It hit me Sunday that I had to let go, that I can't try to be there for her or be the same person with her anymore because I'm going to lose myself if I keep on doing that.

normalcy..that's the state of being normal or regular.

how can anything be normal or regular after this?

what a waste...

Friday, October 03, 2008

4 dudes and a microphone..

I can't say that I share the mic all that much maybe its the enamorous need to be the center of attention..I kid, I actually shy away from that type attention. Heck I still don't know what to do when someone pays me a compliment on my insatiable taste for shoes, or my growing collection of hats (that I'm now straying away from ball caps and venturing into the more grown up cabby hats).

Also I decided to grow a beard for the baseball playoff run...if the cubs don't win the world series I guess I'll be wearing a beard for a while..or till my job says to shave.

Anyways this is a blah post and I'm sorta of not in the mood to write anymore..

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Being heard

Jared made a good point this past weekend.
" How is that I find women that take everything from me and then leave me with nothing?"
I don't know how to love any other way, I took a big big risk by letting Holly back into my life 2 1/2 yrs ago, ignoring the advice of many of my friends but I did it because I loved her soo much that I would take that chance, that I would gamble my heart again. When we were together it was great, it was right...

I could of been just a whatever kind of guy and not really gave it my all when it was hard but the way my heart pounds when I see her and how my skin tingles when she touches me. Why wouldn't I give my all, if you risk everything you can lose everything but you can also win everything. I wasn't scared of not asking her to marry me, I was scared of not asking her to marry me. No one can say that I didn't give it my all, that I didn't do everything I could do. I wouldn't do any other way even now when I can't tell which way is up.

Perhaps in the last post I was too harsh in that I wish I never met her, I don't mean any of that...
This has been the big disappointment of my life because she is the love of my life. The scope of my pain is the measurement of how much she meant to me.

I just need to remember that It wasn't just up to can't give your life to someone that doesn't know what they want.

Friday, September 05, 2008

If I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh, oh,
Be my baby
Oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I'll always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

Oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh
Be my Baby
I'll look after you
And I'll look after you

If ever there was a doubt
My love she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says most assuredly

Oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you
After You
Oh, oh
Be my baby

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own

Oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

You are so beautiful to me
~ The fray

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Sitting here

I don't know where to turn or where to go, I'm living in a nightmare, I just don't know when I get to wake up so It can end.

The disappointment I have in my heart is soo heavy that I feel like I'm climbing 6 feet out of the ground because I feel like a piece of me died.

We, I say we because I know she's felt this way too; we've struggled and have been frustrated and tired. All I want to do is be with her, I just want to be with her. Nothing else matters, we've let so much time past I've been ready for it for some time now. I put everything on the line this past weekend..I took a trip with no certain outcome...what do you when you love someone, you fight for them..I'm strong but I don't know how many times I can get up after taking blow after blow.. Leaving her has never been soooo hard, I contemplating just staying, just never coming back..I love my friends but they're not my life,they'll be my friends till I die but I'm talking about the love of my life,the woman I want to grow old with, have kids can I just let it slip away, my whole heart is with her. She's my family, she my lady, she's my best friend. Yes I'm mad and yes I'm frustrated but most of all I'm just sad...I'm just sad. I don't want to feel like this anymore..seeing her was wonderful but having her right in front of me and then having too leave, there's no words to describe it..

I think regardless of what happens I'm leaving the States, for as much as it gives its also taken from me...

Monday, August 25, 2008

My stache

I tried to make fun of myself by well growing a mustache..I'm very capable of doing this because I have to shave right after I anyways I attempted to make the stache stick..this is me friday afternoon...I went out looking like lasted one night. I woke up and the thing was changing my personality. I was having cravings for denim shorts, trucker hats, and need to drink milk...odd, I know.

Friday, August 08, 2008

Heard your voice the other day

worked hard to choke away the tears..

There I listen in the stillness of my gray sky

Thinking there's nothing here to hold me now

tried to let go and all that came were tears.

Could you grant me a wish, just one wish, just one more kiss

kiss me, let me hold you till the nightlight meets day

Is there a way to play make believe

I know, there ain't nothing I can do but I'll play the fool

dream on with me like I do with you.

the night is closing in

Baby just love me all the way this time
Whisper truth, tell me sweet things

forget the troubles, I know who you are,

I understand

Even though we're covered in veils of mystery,

your lips erase my misery.
In you I've found my treasure

Filled my head full of pefect dreams

Can't you see,I'm putting down all my walls,

just take me, take all of me.

the night is here
Baby lets go all the way this time

Won't you love me all the way this time

Heard your voice the other day

choked on my tears

As I sat still under the dark gray sky.
Pain shoots through my hands
These long lonely nights
Are making me crazy
Morning won't come fast enough
Just a face in the Crowd as I let them pass me by

Faith gone from your eyes
Each word leaves as fast as it came
You're leaving me further away
so when that day comes
I've got no easy way to cry

As I think of you leave
I'm trapped inside, glued to my chair.
everywhere I go I find you
everything connects you to my mind
How right it all should be.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

I expected something more, I wanted soo much more.
every time I got close I was left so far, so far behind.
If that's what this is about, this thing that we're in
then I'm ready, I'm willing, I'm for your war.

If you expect that I'll wither away like flowers on your wall
then perhaps you should rethink you're approach, I'm not leaving and I'm not going to fall.
I'm pushing away thoughts and fighting back tears
because I'm soo close to losing everything that we've gained in the past few years.

For as far as you might be, the distance, the time, I can feel you in my heart, you reside there
You've never left,
when I sleep, I sleep thinking of you,
when I dream, I dream of about being with you.

I wanna be next to you.
I need to be next to you.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Sitting on the bed enduring your punch

can’t pay attention to the sound of anyone

a little more numb, a little more scared

every minute more unprepared

I felt my heart break today

everything I loved got swept in tears

I want to start over, I want to be winning, smiling, being next to you

I'm way out of sync from the beginning, way to far from where we began.

I wanna hurry home to you

put my arms around you, be slow, do a show for you

and crack you up

Looking for somewhere to stand and stay

I leaned on the wall and the wall leaned away

Can I get a minute of not being nervous

and not thinking of being sick

My legs are heavy, my legs are pins

I liked to be honest, I'm losing my shit, I wish I was better but I can't help but feel it

I wanna hurry home to you, put my arms around you,

be slow, do a show for you

and crack you up

You know I dreamed about you

for twenty-nine years before I saw you

You know I dreamed about you

I missed you for twenty-nine years

You know I dreamed about you

for twenty-nine years before I saw you

You know I dreamed about you

I missed you for twenty-nine years

Friday, July 11, 2008

Big day for phone lovers around the world

So if you were hmmm, lucky enough to stand in line to pick up the new 3G Iphone today well I applaud you for taking that dive into technology heaven. Apparently you'll be able to control your Itunes on your computer from your phone like a remote a link to the demo.
this is what happens when you trying leaving Verizon

sorry thats the wrong clip, this is the one I think you should check out


So yeah after seeing that and all the hoopla I'm a bit on edge, I really need my Iphone Fix, so if anyone wants to sell me their old Iphones, yeah..I'm up for it..

I passed a cell phone store this morning on the way to work but no one was waiting outside for the Iphone there, I don't know maybe it was the sign that turned them off, ha ha..get it..have a great weekend.

Monday, July 07, 2008

Doodle of words..

How do you say goodbye to someone you can't imagine living without...
when words won't suffice to express how your life will be a void..
Oh to save our time together, I'd place it in a time capsule for others to find
so that people could know what It means to be in love.

Once, I thought I was great..No thing, no one could bind me
but then you came along and my sun rised and set with you.
My armor melted down and your lovely grace left me standing in place.
I thought I was living but I'd been sleepin until you.

How do you say goodbye to someone you can't imagine living without?
I would miss your face, the smell of your skin and the sound of your dear voice.
You terrorized me with your perfect lips, from them I heard love and lust
from them i ate love and from this they feed off this mess.

Even now, as I sit here drenched in the summer rain waiting for you I can't walk away..
you were the longest journey I've had but its been worth it if you're waiting at the end.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Sometimes timing has everything to do with it.

I don't know what it is about taking pictures of things that don't really fit or that some how are out of place. This was taken outside of a Firstwatch, I love Firstwatch and apparently so does this small patron that was coming in for his usual, the Floridian French Toast, he was told to make sure to pay his tab before he left. He responded by saying " Just put it on my Bill"


HA, HA..yeah I know its corny...

Monday, June 09, 2008

Its just a name!

So a few of us ( Me,Bakes, Tical, and Justin) went to Vampire Weekend. There was a ticket available for this activity but every time they asked for the name of the concert they made this weird face like" Gross, how you could go to a vampire weekend!?"

Yeah, you all missed out, Erin and Kristy from PR's! Losers....

So yeah we get there and Club Firestone isn't gritty and cave like, I've been all wrong about that place...the show, because it was a show was great!! For those that don't like live concerts its crucial that you listen to all the songs of the band you're going to go, when you know the words or at least know a little bit of the words makes a huge difference! That's all I'm saying.

Another thing I found out this weekend is that women are as crazy and evil as men are. There isn't a difference between what a man will do and what a women would do. You can't say that "a woman would never do that" because you know what, there's nothing that a women is incapable of doing! I'll leave it at that.

OH, i do give a freak about an Oxford Comma. I might of misued it in this post.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Private Blogs

In my honest opinion I think having a private blog is perhaps the dumbest thing I've ever heard of, you have a blog. What is a blog= A frequently updated journal or diary usually, often hosted by a third party. The last part is the most crucial part, often hosted by a third party. That means that its really not private if you're hosting on a free website like blogspot/blogger. SO who are you trying to fool?I mean if you really want to write secrets or shit that you don't want anyone to read about, write in your little diary and store it under your pillow. Anyways just a pet peeve.

Monday, May 19, 2008

To you..

No one knows where we’ll go from here
Could I kiss you or would that be weird
Are we sure or are we somewhere in between?
Do you wanna be free
That place where we'd be.., Cuz in our minds we need it
But I'd be no where near you and you'd be no where near me.
A Move to an unknown City
Will you let go of my hand?
Leave the things on the doorstep
Was there no way around it
Will this be our last dance?
Fall asleep with the music on mi amor
Be back again
Do you wanna see it?
Our place,
Cuz in my mind I’ve been there
And there’s no one there but you and me
In the morning I’ll find you again
Let the light shine the way
Down a road that’s leading me somewhere I've never known
And there’s no way around it
Will this be our last dance?
Fall asleep with the music mi amor
I'll Be there with you again.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Taking things for granted

So as I surveyed today's headlines I was reminded that a good day for me might mean a day from hell for someone else.
I wasn't able to celebrate with my Ma yesterday for the mere fact that with ever growing prices in fuel tickets to Grand Rapids are increasingly more expensive. Though according to a CNN article Americans are one among those who pay less for fuel than the rest of the world
Cheap Gas

I suppose that's a comforting notion if I weren't paying 40+ at the gas pump to just go to work every day! I mean literally don't drive anywhere that requires more than a hour drive. The lure of the open road, though very rare in Central Florida, is all but shot into a mist of evaporated gas fumes. I just can't justify driving for the sake of driving. I know there are other things that are more pressing than gas prices, like the democratic nomination, the increase of killer weather patterns-in the past week there have been epic killer cyclones, earthquakes, tornado's, and famine's just terrorizing the world. I mean its not hard to stop and listen to what is going on around you to realize that we're at a pivotal point in the planet's existence. I don't want to say that we're at a breaking point because I don't really know what that means in today's age but I feel like a wave of change is coming. This country is about to have either a woman running for president or a ex black Muslim. I would of never thought that would be possible, at least while I was still relatively young ( though I don't' think I'm young anymore! )

Anyways, Its hard to say that nothing happened this weekend when so much is happening to others..I suppose I take normalcy for granted..

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Can't stop listening to this song!

So I was watching one of my guilty pleasures on monday night after a ho hum monday at work...anyways the typical whatever music was playing in the background but I have to say that I truly enjoy the music tags on the tops of the screen because I was able to find this band and there awesome song in a breeze!! The band's name is Carolina liar and the song is called I'm Not Over. I love yeah..that's what I'm doing right now at work...besides taking some skill set courses..

I'm not Over

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

200th post

So yeah, this marks my 200th post on this particular blog, though I've posted well over 1000 entries in random blogs I've set up through out WWW. Today, of all days is Earth Day! I'm excited to learn more about how our fellow man and woman strive to make others aware that there might be a 6 billion of us but there is only 1 earth! To be reminded of this is to be self aware of how utterly mortal we are. We awe ourselves with technological advances and scientific discoveries but we still have not over come the fact we're bound to this planet.
I believe that we are aware of ways to reduce our carbon footprints, that we're aware of being comfortable some times is really being lazy like driving our car to the store when its less than a mile away. How keeping our lights on all day or running the AC when its 70 degrees outside is just plain, wrong.
I'm talking to myself right now, because for as much as I want to be able to say that I'm on the right track of being a more earth conscience person I'm not. I forget to recycle, I drive to the store, and run a fan when maybe i shouldn't but I'm aware of it, are you?

I found a link that I want to share, its called Walking and it lets you put in your address to see how close things are to you that could free you from driving your car everywhere. Generally speaking if you score in the 90's you have no excuse to be using your car as much as you do. Granted there exceptions but I'm not here to judge.

I remember 10 yrs ago when Green was more of a radical movement then a responsibility. I wonder where 10 yrs from now will bring us. I hope mandatory isn't one of the description involved because that would mean that we're at the brink of no return.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

brainstorming in the late morning

I don't know how it got away from me. I haven't really written anything about me in some time. I mean I've had some interesting stuff happen, or at least had a experience or two that was worth blogging about. Like just this past weekend this old Spanish man pointed out to me Saddam Hussein's son, apparently he works at a parking lot garage! Yeah, I mean he went on to say that although he looked spanish he indeed spoke no Spanish. I use to think that alot of people looked Spanish. I had a similar experience back in high school when i went up to band camp and one of the guys we were hangin with was Filipino but he looked like he was Spanish so I was like you speak Spanish and he was alike no man! I'm Filipino and I was like well you look like you're Spanish as if that was reason enough to say what I did. Sorry about that Mike D.

Moving on, I would like to post a little pic of my work area.. OK nevermind I guess I won't be posting a picture to this entry because I just got some weird error message or whatever. Gosh I feel bored just writing this...I think I would of clicked next by

Well the least I can do is tell you about this sweet website, There is a way to add ring tone's to your multimedia phone by uploading your favorite music up to this site and they'll send it back to you in a converted format that you can then add a ring tone! OH yeah, its free! I feel like I've contributed to the greater good posting this..

So I'll end by writing a little poem.

What comes to mind when I think of thee, elusive slow hands
but I'm over it now like low places like home. That lonely track 11 ride back,
were only ashes are left to remember how I run from what really scares me.
I'm scared that I need love! But instead I settle for something less, like eating pumpkin soup what is a man to do? I weather on because I know Change is Gonna Come and The bleeding heart show that is my life will See you again.
Perhaps in NYC where Ballads of a Paralysed Citizen ring true.
As time goes by The more I see you with Yoshimi Battle the pink robot I feel like Hayling.
So with that I say Goodnight and GO.

( I wrote a poem from the song titles on my Itunes party shuffle, I just kept on pressing next till i couldn't write anymore...and I didn't skip any titles hence the Yoshimi Battle the Pink Robot reference!)

Thank Goodness its Thursday!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Monday, March 31, 2008


I have nothing to talk...I mean seriously I have nothing to say. I ate Vegan food this past weekend and it allowed to leave a uncomfortable situation. You know its interesting but I never feel that comfortable among people that don't get my humor, like I know there's nothing wrong with me so it just makes me weary to think that there are people out there that don't laugh at things that are funny. Also I'm coming to find out that I'm Intimidated by large number of women gathering around each other like bees at the local bee hive... bzzzz, so,bzzzz,how's Rick's new job,bzzz,oh my gosh,bzzzz,looks who's here,bzzz,who invited him,bzzzzz,...yeah no thanks. I know why I left, the need to be fake was trumped by the fact that I keeps it real. I think the more I try to be fake the more I realize how much I freaking hate ( I really wanted to swear) it. Some groups are never to be mixed. They're like oil and water, sure you can add some soap to dilute what made them be oil and water but at the end of the night, baby, we still don't mix.

I don't know, I just feel really uneasy lately, like I'm missing something really big...ok, I check the lotto numbers so I don't have to worry about that.

On a lighter note, I went to the Birds of Prey locale to check out some birds of prey, apparently they thought it was funny to have a caracara named Lester that was Mexican. Bitches I'm not Mexican. I'm not even really Honduran, I'm as much of a American as the next guy, Its sad, I know I wish I was French so at least my appreciation for poppy music could be explained.

Oh look its 3, gotta run.

till next time.

Thursday, March 06, 2008


So I'm heading up to Montreal next week. I have to say that I'm excited to see North America's answer to European city life. What if I like Montreal so much that I want to come back and live there! oui,oui! I have to learn some phrases so I can practice with random people I plan on. Case in point:

Excusez-moi, je ne peux m'empêcher de remarquer que vous ne vous rasez les aisselles aujourd'hui? Pardon me, I couldn't help but noticed you didn't shave your armpits today!

Pourquoi oui, je profiter d'un bon morceau de viande savoureuse cheval de temps en temps. Why yes, I do enjoy a good piece of tasty horse meat from time to time.

or my favorite.

Je n'étais pas d'accord lorsque le mot français est tombé de pain grillé, et je n'ai pas envie de frites ou français. Mais je ne jouissent d'un bon film de temps en temps suivi par un expresso et une grande conversation.

anyways, hopefully the border patrol won't give me Merde because I've been in Canada with two weeks of my last visit.

Adieu, n'oubliez pas de transformer ces horloges une heure par tête le samedi soir. Je déteste avoir à vous manquez une délicieuse rencontre avec un être aimé!

Friday, February 29, 2008

I've been away for a while..

Ok, not really the fact is that I've been busy at work and that's when I usually blog but It feels like I'm getting paid to do it but I'm really not. So what has been going on? I was up to Toronto for my birthday recently and I was freezing my bum bum because this Texan Boy, Turned Michigan Guy, and now Florida Man has had his blood thinned just like his hair. I bought a coat and left up there for my future trips, which is actually next week. Holly and I are taking a vacation together like real adults even though the rents are annoyed, which I mean I get but we're not little kids, So perhaps some perspective is needed. Anyways, we're heading to Montreal and Quebec City; I don't know if my rambling french will be sufficient since I really don't know how to formulate a sentence and Holly knows no French! Ha ha, it should be fun. In other news, Holly was recently presented with keys to her new Townhouse, I was able to see it this last time up there. Its really cute, I'm sure she'll have it looking great! Which makes me think that I'm ready to not have anymore roommates. What else, I feel like I've been in a black hole where no news comes in or out! I mean things are looking good right now and that's really important. I'm starting to feel some clarity and peace of mind which hasn't been the case for a while, If i could only get to the gym so I can get the body part down!

OH, I have some video clips of holly sledding and eating it, they're pretty funny..even with my horrible commentary! I'll post soon.

Well this was a bit of a dull blog but I've got some ideas that I'd like to share with you but baby steps steps..

Peace out (said in a manly ghetto voice)

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

You are...Love.

I have a couple of words to describe what you are....but I found some that would do just as well....

........You feed other people's parking meters

You encourage the eating of ice cream

You would somersault in sand with me

You talk to loners, you ask how's your week

You give love to all and give love to me

You're obsessed with hiding the sticks and stones

When I fear the unknown You feel like home, you feel like home

You put my feet back on the ground

Did you know you brought me around

You were sweet, and you were sound

You saved me

You're the warmth in my summer breeze

You're the ivory to my ebony keys

You would share your last jelly bean

You would somersault in sand with me

You put my feet back on the ground

Did you know you brought me around

You were sweet and you were sound

You saved me

You put my feet back on the ground

Did you know you brought me around

You were sweet and you were sound

See I had shrunk yet still you wore me around

And 'round and 'round.....~Zero 7.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

One in a while you find something really funny.

SO I was on someone's Myspace page and I clicked on this video of this cute girl who I thought would be singing a song, You know those youtube specials of someone covering a song!? I was way off, I think I found a kindred spirit!
Quarter Life

SO I think this girl might be out of her freaking mind, which sometimes I feel i get that rap too! I'm not saying that I want to meet this girl because chances are I'd hate her in person! Like you're funny but if you pull any of that funny stuff on me I'll send you to the moon kind of deals! You feel me?

But back to Sarah Hyland, she's a bit off and maybe downright crazy but if you have time and a sense of humor check her out..Funny Videos of Sarah