I've gotten two tickets, a car accident, pull my groin, and tomorrow would of have been an anniversary not realized with hol. When it rains, it pours! I'm feeling a little bit numb to everything, my therapist says that my external presentation is one that would leave you to believe that i'm dealing with this really well..but my words say otherwise. Its clearly apparent to her that I still love hol..but I'm making some head way, that I'm looking at the relationship for what it was..
I talked to her about how I cry every time I see my sister's DVD ( you know the collection of pictures, video with Noah)...It hurts because I have that, I have the mountains of pictures of places where we where together, the video's of us doing stuff, the history of a relationship that spans a couple of years...but there's nothing behind those pictures...it was a shell of pretty much nothing. Its a DVD that will never be made. That hurts, its hurts to know that its not meant to be and perhaps was never meant to be...its a damn waste of time...I still feel love but all I get is this damn pity. I don't need pity, I don't need the nice gestures and empty words, I needed it to be real..I'm coming undone at the seams, my life is unraveling and I'm coming to find out that I was loving a lie, I was dreaming, and that all I held true was just a collection of words. Everything has come crashing on me...there's nothing worse than being lied to and being lied to with a smile. Though everyone has moved on from the initial shock of it..I'm still living it, it hasn't gotten easier..tomorrow doesn't stop meaning what it would of meant if nothing had changed. I didn't get all of sudden better...I'm still hurt..and I'm still fucking mad...but now I'm less blind then the day before.. and every time you call him and you say what you say, it doesn't make it any more true just because you've stop calling me and you've thrown me out of your life. We must be the two dumbest people in the world, but for two different reasons..