Sunday, October 19, 2008

I apparently have lost the taste for watching sports?

I feel a bit anxious sitting in a place where I'm suppose to be watching something instead of talking. The act of conversation is something that is really appealing to me. I like talking to people, I feel like I can talk to anyone, well almost anyone. I went to a therapist this past week and to be honest with you I don't like it, I don't like how the act of it has really become a commodity. A stranger basically told me that there was a treatment plan that she hoped to develop for me? What? Seriously I don't think I'm capable of following something like that because I don't follow others, I walk to my own beat, I go against grain.

It sucks, I'm my worst enemy right now. I know it, I feel it, but its how it is. I know there are parallels that people can draw from to relate to me. Its just whether I can do it, it whether I want to do it. I don't like pain and this fucking awkwardness that I feel right now, the loneliness is just eating at me. The questions about why I'm not married or whatever you wanna call it...I hate it, I hate that I have to explain that its not by my damn choice that I'm not married, that i don't have someone to go home to. I invested in myself as much as humanly possible and then they quickly say "aw, it wasn't meant to be, you'll find someone..." Yeah I'll know when..damn it I knew, I knew..

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