Thursday, October 30, 2008

This has been one of those weeks that I would soon hope to forget

I've gotten two tickets, a car accident, pull my groin, and tomorrow would of have been an anniversary not realized with hol. When it rains, it pours! I'm feeling a little bit numb to everything, my therapist says that my external presentation is one that would leave you to believe that i'm dealing with this really well..but my words say otherwise. Its clearly apparent to her that I still love hol..but I'm making some head way, that I'm looking at the relationship for what it was..

I talked to her about how I cry every time I see my sister's DVD ( you know the collection of pictures, video with Noah)...It hurts because I have that, I have the mountains of pictures of places where we where together, the video's of us doing stuff, the history of a relationship that spans a couple of years...but there's nothing behind those was a shell of pretty much nothing. Its a DVD that will never be made. That hurts, its hurts to know that its not meant to be and perhaps was never meant to be...its a damn waste of time...I still feel love but all I get is this damn pity. I don't need pity, I don't need the nice gestures and empty words, I needed it to be real..I'm coming undone at the seams, my life is unraveling and I'm coming to find out that I was loving a lie, I was dreaming, and that all I held true was just a collection of words. Everything has come crashing on me...there's nothing worse than being lied to and being lied to with a smile. Though everyone has moved on from the initial shock of it..I'm still living it, it hasn't gotten easier..tomorrow doesn't stop meaning what it would of meant if nothing had changed. I didn't get all of sudden better...I'm still hurt..and I'm still fucking mad...but now I'm less blind then the day before.. and every time you call him and you say what you say, it doesn't make it any more true just because you've stop calling me and you've thrown me out of your life. We must be the two dumbest people in the world, but for two different reasons..

Monday, October 27, 2008

I teared up..

Mr and Mrs Noah Desmit

I guess it was hard not to get choked up when I saw my baby sister in her white wedding dress. I remember us growing up, which seems like a eternity ago. I believe that if we surround ourselves with good people good things happen and Noah is definitely good people. How he's able to deal with Alex is probably the most impressive thing, she's a firecracker, she's been a firecracker since the first time I laid eyes on her at Grandma's house and they said this is your little sister{ she smelled funny :) } ... I have to be honest that I was disappointed that she was a girl because I wanted a brother. I got over it and I'm soo thankful to God that he gave me a sister like her and A mom like mine, and a family like the one I have.

Was I a little sad that I got beat to the alter, yeah ..but not because I wasn't has more to do with everything that you spend, the things you sacrifice and I never felt that Holly was willing to sacrifice anything for me. The more and more I realize it and dissolve this I'm seeing how selfish she was. Everything was about her, from moving here and moving away and not coming back, me moving up there wasn't about us it was more about her. Was I selfish too, heck yeah but I was willing to sacrifice, I was willing to give up everything but what was she willing to sacrifice?

Its interesting how weddings make you take stock of your relationships, present and past. I thought as I waited for my sister to walk down the aisle, if I would of asked earlier would it have been different? I don't think it would of, me asking a month earlier a week earlier wouldn't have made her be any different. It wasn't the relationship that was the problem but the mere fact that she doesn't know who she is...

... "better now than later" that is the common thing that I've kept on hearing I ... I just wished you would of worked on you, because there is something missing in you, you were right about that but what are you doing about it?

You probably did me a favor and saved me a world of heartache, In the end I guess you underestimated how much I loved you and I over estimated how much you love me...

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

High Fidelity..

So I made the fatal mistake of watching High Fidelity lastnight, Its a movie that deals with John Cusack and this Finnish looking gal and their break up. Apparently I have forgotten that not only is this movie really funny but its also has a lot of elements that hit home. The part where he's lying in bed and he can't sleep because his mind is racing...needless to say I had to turn it off.

Hmm, I think I could do a Top 5 of my memorable break up..
5. Kelly circa 7th grade-It was my first break up and I thought as any dumb kid that we'd be together forever.
4.Lisa circa 1st yr at AU- This was the first time I broke up with a girl, I hated it, I felt soo horrible, I actually broke up with her twice..I hated seeing her cry.
3.Michele-circa 2001- Fell for this cute east coast west coast gal...but we were too different at the end, hurt like hell and I went on a destructive path of careless behavior..but at least she was honest.
2.Holly circa 2002- I was in no way looking for a girlfriend but this beautiful blonde stole my heart, as hard as I tried not to fall she made it harder not to fall in love. She broke my heart like no other. I had to move and start a new life...
which leads me to number 1, yeah she makes an appearance again..
1. Holly circa 2004-2008..I left her behind or so I thought and then I get this call..She shook me up and by the middle of 2005 we were back..things were going great and then she left and went back home, didn't come back and we stayed together, perhaps it was mistake but if a girl like her can make me move she could certainly make me try to work out a long distance relationship.. the result at the end lead to most of the past 3 months worth of blog entries. If I thought she broke my heart before I had no clue of what was in store for the encore....

That is my top 5....

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

People notice

I thought no one would notice..seeing how I'm the one who's always noticing..Its spilling over at work. My boss just asked me if I was ok! She said that I'm quieter than normal... ugh..

I've been listening to some mellow music lately to see if I can calm my demons if you will..Joshua Radin, Ray LaMontagne, Jack Savoretti, Jesse McCarthy, oops did I say Jesse McCarthy! ha ha ok I like that song he's got right now, I'm a sucker for pop music!

You know how many loves songs there are out there? Alot, and I like alot of songs are no fun when you're heart is mangled. Its interesting when I found a lot of my old poems when I was at home..they dealt with a lot of heartache, want, disappointment... I don't know if I'm attracted to women that haven't found out who they are or I'm just too accepting.
When it comes to love I don't think I have much common sense ..I give and give but I forget to ask back.
Here's a song I've been hearing alot in my ipod.. Amos Lee
Better Days:

The darkness has always been,
The world was born into a blanket of sin,
When all the faith's been gone,
Still we found a reason to carry on,
Through the worry, worry, worry,
Caught in an endless maze
Oh when the lights go out,
All i can think about,
Is how, we've seen better days...
Oh lover lately i've been thinkin i might leave you,
As you're surrounded by these fools who do deceive you,
Yes our past is wretched true,
But i'm still in love with you,
That's why i am still refusin to give in to
All this worry, worry, worry
Caught in an endless maze,
But when the lights go out,
All i can think about,
Is how, we've seen better days
Where do we go from here,
While we're all so consumed by fear,
Why im trying not to be suspicious of those im suspicious of,
I'm tryin to crack open this angry heart and find a little love,
Still i worry, worry, worry,
Caught in an endless maze,
Still when the lights go out,
All that i can think about is how we've seen better days,
Oh when the lights go out,
All i can dream about,
Is how, we've seen better days...
listen here

Sunday, October 19, 2008

I apparently have lost the taste for watching sports?

I feel a bit anxious sitting in a place where I'm suppose to be watching something instead of talking. The act of conversation is something that is really appealing to me. I like talking to people, I feel like I can talk to anyone, well almost anyone. I went to a therapist this past week and to be honest with you I don't like it, I don't like how the act of it has really become a commodity. A stranger basically told me that there was a treatment plan that she hoped to develop for me? What? Seriously I don't think I'm capable of following something like that because I don't follow others, I walk to my own beat, I go against grain.

It sucks, I'm my worst enemy right now. I know it, I feel it, but its how it is. I know there are parallels that people can draw from to relate to me. Its just whether I can do it, it whether I want to do it. I don't like pain and this fucking awkwardness that I feel right now, the loneliness is just eating at me. The questions about why I'm not married or whatever you wanna call it...I hate it, I hate that I have to explain that its not by my damn choice that I'm not married, that i don't have someone to go home to. I invested in myself as much as humanly possible and then they quickly say "aw, it wasn't meant to be, you'll find someone..." Yeah I'll know when..damn it I knew, I knew..

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

From the moment that I left
Everything had changed
Now I lay awake in my empty room
In my head it all feels the same

Like the taste of the day I left
That still lingers on my breath
And the dampness of tears that left
A stain where I had wept

All alone with a diamond ring
That still sits next to my bed
I keep meaning to toss it away
But I just leave it there instead

No need to cry about it
I'll move on without it
Every time I wind up out your door

Why do you do this to me?
You cut right through me
Every time I wind up out your door

It was 1 more day 'til I saw your face
so nervous, so anxious, couldn't keep up the pace
cleaned the house and made up the bed
Dialed your number but all got was a busy tone instead.

Never took you for granted
You’re were my reason for living
there’s no way I was giving up,

Didn't think I would cry about it
I'll move on without you
Seems like every time I wind up out your door.

How did you do this to me?
You fucking lied to me
Every time I wind up back on the floor.

Now every night is a bitter fight
And I’m eating home alone on a Thursday night
I wasted my good love and time
I will never let you conquer my mind

I won't cry about it
I'll be better without it
In time you'll start to regret it
and when you call you'll hear me say "learn how to live with it"

You'll stroll around and smile like nothing is wrong
You'll lie to those who love you
But the lies you tell will catch up to you, it won't be long
You can makes excuses but it wasn't me this was all you.

I'm gonna live my life, won't let another barley slip through my fingers
I hope you enjoy yours, lesson plans, one night stands, new friends, pot and beer cans.

Life is a bitch and apparently I loved one too!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Trippin over trips

I had a great time seeing my family this weekend, it was much needed and long over due.
I can't tell you how excited and curious I was when I arrived in Grand Rapids Thursday night..4 yrs is a long time to be away. Friday morning I just drove around, I went to my old Academy and was surprised by the changes, I went by old coffee shops I use to go to write my sappy poems, I visited my high school and was asked If I need a attendance pass like I still went to school there? That was actually sorta of funny..
Alex found me at Barnes & Noble and we hung out till Mom got out of work. It was really sneaky of us, Alex picked her up from work and I followed incognito in my rental. A couple of times I thought that she had seen me. So anyways we get to the restaurant and Alex and Mom go inside...I tried calling her to wish her happy birthday ( which was a day later and not on Friday like I thought! oops) anyways I got right next to her and I said something like hey stranger or something totally awesome. She was really happy to see was really nice to know that I made her day by just coming up to see her. So I just hung out with my ladies this weekend, mom found some old pics and poems..stuff from like the summer of 04..which I probably should of kept but it was hard to read them...I feel it now but 10 times more than back then. I guess I thought I could fly to places and just have this be something I left behind me, on the way home.. I realized that its still on the surface, very real and very strong. I got one more trip two week back to Michigan for Alex's wedding, that will be very hard on me for many reasons...

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Colliding with the past when you're trying to live in the now can be a tricky thing.
I took this picture of me yesterday...what I find interesting is that I was trying to smile..I think I took the picture like 3 times until I finally said screw it..
The man who writes about himself and his own time is the only man who writes about all people and all time. - George Bernard Shaw
I don't really get it? What are you exactly are you trying to say? I mean to be honest sometimes I like Chinese fortune cookies better. I carry this one in my wallet..I got it while I was eating at Pei Wei like a month ago..
" A lifetime of happiness lies ahead of you." Author Charlie the chimp..
but nonetheless I like it, I get it, and I'm looking forward to it..
Ah...Que Vida!

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Who wants a bread maker?

I'm selling a bread maker for pretty cheap..its been used twice..? if you're interested leave a comment or email me..

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

short lived beard

Since the cubs got swept from the playoff's I guess it would be kind of ridiculous to still sport the rally beard.


Its been a very hard couple of months for me, I've never been under as much stress as I have this summer. The holidays aren't going to be easier but just a brutal reminder. Having to tell myself to let go and actually telling her has been overwhelming. I know that I'm not ready but I know that I'd never be ready, my mental health is falling apart... I'm tired of feeling sad and I'm tired of thinking about how everything went to shit.
I know I should be mad, that I should have a ton of anger inside of me and I do fight the urge to punch a hole in the wall but more than that I just feel incredibly sad. That sadness is killing me, I can't lie to myself...its really hard to think about anything else. I've been keeping myself busy but come on, this is bigger than just a little break up..I lost more than just girlfriend, she was my best friend, my family, and I can't help but hurt. It hit me Sunday that I had to let go, that I can't try to be there for her or be the same person with her anymore because I'm going to lose myself if I keep on doing that.

normalcy..that's the state of being normal or regular.

how can anything be normal or regular after this?

what a waste...

Friday, October 03, 2008

4 dudes and a microphone..

I can't say that I share the mic all that much maybe its the enamorous need to be the center of attention..I kid, I actually shy away from that type attention. Heck I still don't know what to do when someone pays me a compliment on my insatiable taste for shoes, or my growing collection of hats (that I'm now straying away from ball caps and venturing into the more grown up cabby hats).

Also I decided to grow a beard for the baseball playoff run...if the cubs don't win the world series I guess I'll be wearing a beard for a while..or till my job says to shave.

Anyways this is a blah post and I'm sorta of not in the mood to write anymore..