Saturday, November 29, 2008
You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
if each day,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
- One of my bestfriend's got engaged on the very first day,
- mmurill,GH and jb had their first kids this year,
- Justin got a girlfriend
- The cubs were good again and then they were bad again!
- I voted for change and I finally felt like I was heard.
- America was able to look past the shade of a man to find a new leader
- I was reminded how great and amazing it is to have great friends.
- I was reunited with all my family.
- I spoke to the man who I called dad for 14 yrs again after 10yrs of silence.
- I flew, I flew, and I flew again but I never got away from what I flew from.
- I went home again...
- I got a ticket and then 3 days later I got another one
- I laughed more than I ever had before
- I cried more than I ever have
- I got fat and then lost a lot of it in weeks..
- I put myself out there and everyone saw how vulnerable I can be.
- I held a baby and It felt right.
- I found myself while I was getting lost
- I had amazing conversations with strangers on plane rides
- I ran into people in planes, airports, and churches that I never expected to see.
- I fell in love again this year.
- My integrity was questioned and then my character answered those questions.
- I spent a lot of money
- I saw Alex say I do
- I heard HER say I can't.
- Though I thought I had given up on God, he hasn't given up on me.
Although some of it was bad and some of it was good, I'm giving thanks for all of it. Its not a perfect life but its my life, at least it was this year.
Eat turkey, drink wine, fall asleep, or whatever you do this time of year, just live in the moment.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
You know its only seems fitting that as my life is falling apart at the same time as our country is melting. No, I don't see any correlation...wait, wait..perhaps..there is..hear me out. The powers that be believed that our large private corporations best interest also included the best interest of the country which I could in a very sheepish way translate into I believed that my beautiful ex best interest also included my best interest. However I don't get a bailout!
..I've been channeling some energy into actual activities. I visited the nice punching machine at the wing house and I got a 886, on my first punch, the high score is 926 and the guy spent $30 bucks to get that score. There was a group of guys playing pool and they were impressed with my score, I was told that it's a redneck game-you go to the fair,get drunk, and punch the bag all day?! All I could do is think about how many teeth the guys were missing while they were telling me the story. My response to his little story was "Hey man I just have some pent up frustration that I need to get rid of.."There is something primitive about punching a bag, as if just hitting something as hard as you can will solve anything but for its bonehead notion I have to say it feels damn good.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Got in the car today and I just drove. I drove to coast, I ended up at the Atlantic or New Smyrna Beach to be more specific. I drove to the spot that I'm most familiar and I just walked, I walked and I walked some more. The sun was setting behind the tall condo on the beach, there weren't that many people out but enough were there to make feel like I wasn't all alone. I took pictures and waved hi to a couple of kids riding around in scooter. I did a lot of thinking and arguing with myself. Sometimes thats the best kind, to hear yourself out and realize what you're saying is either the craziest thing you've said or smartest. I haven't been that smart lately, I haven't been able to help myself through this ordeal that I've been thrown into. I don't feel sorry for myself and I hope that no one does but I do feel helpless. I should be loved the way that I loved, I should be treated the way I've treated...I'm good enough, I'm better than good enough... I'm tired of having to go through the same crap. I'm over the confusion, there isn't anything confusing about me, that's why you date. You put in the work and sometimes you get rich and sometimes you go broke, but in the end you know, you just know.
If I ever wake up from this..I hope I can look back and say I'm a better man because of it.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Forgive me if I'm forward in speaking about my heart but my intentions are pure.
I'm no longer weak and you're running out of time to speak.
Its time to know, Will you do what you say or will you let me go?
A future lays ahead for us regardless of what we do.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry that we don't live in a perfect story.
If I could I'd be a thief I'd change my stars to a Maple leaf.
I never wanted to say goodbye but wake up see you smile and whisper hi.
With every passing day my angst builds, this isn't a race it has its pace.
I use to think that I was lacking, I was coming up short but now I know that isn't the case.
I've jumped in, I've let go of the edge, could we be strangers by the end?
I know your looks, I know your smiles, I know your laughs, I know your kisses, and I knew your heart. I've noticed when you thought I didn't, I listened when you thought I couldn't, I've loved you when I thought I shouldn't. I know you...I know you. Don't hold that against me.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
For every sweet dream that my mind could see
there always seem to be a nice similarity
you were my sweet honey and I was your bumble bee
But no matter what it was, it always just about you and me.
I took your words for more than they were worth
cause I was sure that we'd love each other till we left this earth
for all we hoped and fought for, and our precious time
I kneeled down so I could ask If you'd always be mine.
I haven't been the same since that day in July
I would of loved you till the day that I die
Now when we talk, I fight the urge to cry
Because when I hear you say you love me, I know its just a lie.
So you should know If I had a choice I'd share my love and life.
When it came to you I'd always pick to be on your side
I'd hope you'd take my ring and you'd say you'd be my wife
But instead I'm calling you today to say that this is my last goodbye.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
After church today I stopped by lily park on my way home. What was suppose to be a short little stop but it ended up being a hour + stay. I just sat on the benches and stared at the fountain out in the middle of the pond. I stared at its simplicity, they way it only did one thing, shoot water up out of the lake. I listened to my Ipod and tried to let the world just pass me by. The single mom feeding the duck with her little tike, the elderly man teaching his grandson how to ride his bike....there was a collection of variety on hand today. It was peaceful to allow myself to just let everything go by.
I'm tired...I think I might just close my eyes and see what tomorrow brings.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Its very compelling argument, actually I don't think its an argument as much as its a call to our hearts, perhaps to our logic. I voted NO on amendment 2, because I don't think I can deny others their happiness just because I don't choose to live their lifestyle. The same time we elect our first black president we still struggle with the idea of love and who can love each other.
We all strive to find someone that we can love, a person that feels like home. I can't choose who I love, the heart and mind want what they want. The same can be said about everyone, it doesn't have to make sense to you or me as long as it makes sense to those who are in love. I scribbled something down:
My heart will beat for you even though you choose to look the other way.
Call it what you will, a long uphill battle but its a thrill. Our love is raw, our love is true.
I'd face the world to proclaim my ache, against all odds, through my pain, through our shame, this love here, until I break it will remain.
Monday, November 10, 2008
~I am not at the point where I can ignore a call from you because I no longer need to hear what you have to say or because the sound of your voice no longer has an effect on me. I am incapable of hiding how I feel about you, It always takes me a day to be able to cope with our conversations, what we talked about is between you and me...but why do you make things so damn hard. My mind is racing now, my hands are shaking, and my heart is pounding out of my chest because I'm twisting and turning, I'm upside down when I'm right side up....you tell me that I need to understand but you yourself don't understand. Our conversations aren't going to be just casual, I don't know what it means to be casual with you....you have been my best friend, you've been my partner, you've been my dreams, you've been my rock, you've been my everything. That's why I can't trust myself when it comes to you; when it comes to you I don't follow logic, I follow my heart, and frankly I want to kick my heart in the ass.
There will always be setbacks, and there always be challenges..but with every roadblock there's an opportunity for progress.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless..
How could you be so heartless?
Oh.. How could you be so heartless?
Monday, November 03, 2008
For a much as I like to say that everyone is different, the things that I need in my life are pretty much the same as everyone else. I need to be nourished, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
If I thought I was lonely before, now I'm a damn Island. The comfort I had in talking to someone that I thought loved me and cherish me has been eradicated and replaced with empty words and memories that really don't mean anything. If I were told that after being with someone for 3yrs all you'll have is memories I'd tell that person to go sit it on it. The gestures bring no comfort, the pleasantries are just that... pleasantries, who stays in a relationship just for the consolation prize? I'll tell you, NO ONE!
So here I am, evaluating myself, I'm trying to pick myself up from a hole that I help dig. I would love nothing more than act like she's acting and have the dumb self serving responses, to act in rash manner because the situation calls for it. Is it responsible to act irresponsible if you know that it will help?
I was asked what I will be looking for in the next person that I meet ( Its a scary thing to think about since I don't know if I'll be ready for a long time) but I was able to scribble some things down.
1. Integrity-Does what they say they'll do.
2. A true understanding of themselves, (I can't go through anymore growing pains with women.)
3.Someone that has a strong foundation, friends and a social life outside of me.
4.Lives their life for them and not what others want them to live
5.Most importantly someone that knows how to love themselves so if God willing they can love me the right way.
I don't think its too much to ask to be with someone thats figured out who they are so they don't have to use me to figure that out..