Saturday, November 29, 2008

If you forget me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Pablo Neruda

Wednesday, November 26, 2008


What a year Its been, memorable in every which way. I know its not over but its pretty much barrelling to an end after this week. Its really amazing to think all that has happened up to now.

  • One of my bestfriend's got engaged on the very first day,

  • mmurill,GH and jb had their first kids this year,

  • Justin got a girlfriend

  • The cubs were good again and then they were bad again!

  • I voted for change and I finally felt like I was heard.

  • America was able to look past the shade of a man to find a new leader

  • I was reminded how great and amazing it is to have great friends.

  • I was reunited with all my family.

  • I spoke to the man who I called dad for 14 yrs again after 10yrs of silence.

  • I flew, I flew, and I flew again but I never got away from what I flew from.

  • I went home again...

  • I got a ticket and then 3 days later I got another one

  • I laughed more than I ever had before

  • I cried more than I ever have

  • I got fat and then lost a lot of it in weeks..

  • I put myself out there and everyone saw how vulnerable I can be.

  • I held a baby and It felt right.

  • I found myself while I was getting lost

  • I had amazing conversations with strangers on plane rides

  • I ran into people in planes, airports, and churches that I never expected to see.

  • I fell in love again this year.

  • My integrity was questioned and then my character answered those questions.

  • I spent a lot of money

  • I saw Alex say I do

  • I heard HER say I can't.

  • Though I thought I had given up on God, he hasn't given up on me.

Although some of it was bad and some of it was good, I'm giving thanks for all of it. Its not a perfect life but its my life, at least it was this year.

Eat turkey, drink wine, fall asleep, or whatever you do this time of year, just live in the moment.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Doing what I have to..

I spent last night among a group of guys that I never ever really hang out with...but the other option was being alone at home and that isn't a option that I wanted to exercise.
You know its only seems fitting that as my life is falling apart at the same time as our country is melting. No, I don't see any correlation...wait, wait..perhaps..there is..hear me out. The powers that be believed that our large private corporations best interest also included the best interest of the country which I could in a very sheepish way translate into I believed that my beautiful ex best interest also included my best interest. However I don't get a bailout!

..I've been channeling some energy into actual activities. I visited the nice punching machine at the wing house and I got a 886, on my first punch, the high score is 926 and the guy spent $30 bucks to get that score. There was a group of guys playing pool and they were impressed with my score, I was told that it's a redneck game-you go to the fair,get drunk, and punch the bag all day?! All I could do is think about how many teeth the guys were missing while they were telling me the story. My response to his little story was "Hey man I just have some pent up frustration that I need to get rid of.."There is something primitive about punching a bag, as if just hitting something as hard as you can will solve anything but for its bonehead notion I have to say it feels damn good.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

If I ever...

Got in the car today and I just drove. I drove to coast, I ended up at the Atlantic or New Smyrna Beach to be more specific. I drove to the spot that I'm most familiar and I just walked, I walked and I walked some more. The sun was setting behind the tall condo on the beach, there weren't that many people out but enough were there to make feel like I wasn't all alone. I took pictures and waved hi to a couple of kids riding around in scooter. I did a lot of thinking and arguing with myself. Sometimes thats the best kind, to hear yourself out and realize what you're saying is either the craziest thing you've said or smartest. I haven't been that smart lately, I haven't been able to help myself through this ordeal that I've been thrown into. I don't feel sorry for myself and I hope that no one does but I do feel helpless. I should be loved the way that I loved, I should be treated the way I've treated...I'm good enough, I'm better than good enough... I'm tired of having to go through the same crap. I'm over the confusion, there isn't anything confusing about me, that's why you date. You put in the work and sometimes you get rich and sometimes you go broke, but in the end you know, you just know.

If I ever wake up from this..I hope I can look back and say I'm a better man because of it.

Friday, November 21, 2008

There isn't a freckle I haven't named

I did my best to notice when the time was right and I'm formulating thoughts into words.
Forgive me if I'm forward in speaking about my heart but my intentions are pure.
I'm no longer weak and you're running out of time to speak.
Its time to know, Will you do what you say or will you let me go?

A future lays ahead for us regardless of what we do.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry that we don't live in a perfect story.
If I could I'd be a thief I'd change my stars to a Maple leaf.
I never wanted to say goodbye but wake up see you smile and whisper hi.

With every passing day my angst builds, this isn't a race it has its pace.
I use to think that I was lacking, I was coming up short but now I know that isn't the case.
I've jumped in, I've let go of the edge, could we be strangers by the end?

I know your looks, I know your smiles, I know your laughs, I know your kisses, and I knew your heart. I've noticed when you thought I didn't, I listened when you thought I couldn't, I've loved you when I thought I shouldn't. I know you...I know you. Don't hold that against me.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


For every sweet dream that my mind could see
there always seem to be a nice similarity
you were my sweet honey and I was your bumble bee
But no matter what it was, it always just about you and me.

I took your words for more than they were worth
cause I was sure that we'd love each other till we left this earth
for all we hoped and fought for, and our precious time
I kneeled down so I could ask If you'd always be mine.
I haven't been the same since that day in July
I would of loved you till the day that I die
Now when we talk, I fight the urge to cry
Because when I hear you say you love me, I know its just a lie.

So you should know If I had a choice I'd share my love and life.
When it came to you I'd always pick to be on your side
I'd hope you'd take my ring and you'd say you'd be my wife
But instead I'm calling you today to say that this is my last goodbye.

~By ME

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Logic and reason

Its interesting that you those things (Logic and Reason) go hand and hand. If one is missing the other one lacks, like talking to a person that says they can relate to you but the can't really relate to me unless they're me..there's only one me.

After church today I stopped by lily park on my way home. What was suppose to be a short little stop but it ended up being a hour + stay. I just sat on the benches and stared at the fountain out in the middle of the pond. I stared at its simplicity, they way it only did one thing, shoot water up out of the lake. I listened to my Ipod and tried to let the world just pass me by. The single mom feeding the duck with her little tike, the elderly man teaching his grandson how to ride his bike....there was a collection of variety on hand today. It was peaceful to allow myself to just let everything go by.

I'm tired...I think I might just close my eyes and see what tomorrow brings.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Rakastan, Amor, Love, Amore.Je t'aime

I recently visited a friend's blog and the most recent post was about Love. Here's the link Its About Love

Its very compelling argument, actually I don't think its an argument as much as its a call to our hearts, perhaps to our logic. I voted NO on amendment 2, because I don't think I can deny others their happiness just because I don't choose to live their lifestyle. The same time we elect our first black president we still struggle with the idea of love and who can love each other.

We all strive to find someone that we can love, a person that feels like home. I can't choose who I love, the heart and mind want what they want. The same can be said about everyone, it doesn't have to make sense to you or me as long as it makes sense to those who are in love. I scribbled something down:

My heart will beat for you even though you choose to look the other way.
Call it what you will, a long uphill battle but its a thrill. Our love is raw, our love is true.
I'd face the world to proclaim my ache, against all odds, through my pain, through our shame, this love here, until I break it will remain.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Proximity isn't a quality, its a coincidence.

Accessibility is a dangerous commodity when dealing with a wounded heart. Progress can be altered and feelings can resurface, the notion of just because is more cruel than it should be. Say what you mean to say and not what you feel you had to say.

~I am not at the point where I can ignore a call from you because I no longer need to hear what you have to say or because the sound of your voice no longer has an effect on me. I am incapable of hiding how I feel about you, It always takes me a day to be able to cope with our conversations, what we talked about is between you and me...but why do you make things so damn hard. My mind is racing now, my hands are shaking, and my heart is pounding out of my chest because I'm twisting and turning, I'm upside down when I'm right side tell me that I need to understand but you yourself don't understand. Our conversations aren't going to be just casual, I don't know what it means to be casual with have been my best friend, you've been my partner, you've been my dreams, you've been my rock, you've been my everything. That's why I can't trust myself when it comes to you; when it comes to you I don't follow logic, I follow my heart, and frankly I want to kick my heart in the ass.

There will always be setbacks, and there always be challenges..but with every roadblock there's an opportunity for progress.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Where has the time gone?

Its sucks, time doesn't stop, even when it feels like you're stuck in slow motion, people have moved on, life has moved on. I can close my eyes right now and think back 10 yrs, I was back in Michigan in my first qtr at Andrews, I remember thinking how much I hated being there. It was a tough time period for me because I didn't know many people ironically I came away with a bucket load of friendships I still have today. I don't want to get all melancholy, the reality of it is that I'm a sensitive person, emotional would actually be a better way to describe me. aaaaaaaaaaaaaa....

I feel like shit..I still feel like shit..I'm trying really hard to move on, it might be Nov for everyone else but it still feels like its July to this very moment I find it hard to enjoy the things that I use to enjoy. I laugh, I smile, I jump, I run, I drink and I eat...but they don't feel the same right now.... I don't really want to talk about it because I know people don't  want to hear it but its my life righ tnow and when it comes out its because its fucking consuming fuels my anger, it charges my disappointment, and it enhances my vulnerability...I don't have a choice, its just to much to keep it inside. Why can I say this ..well this blog is like a mirror to me, I don't see anyone else but me. I'm talking aloud, I can't choose who will hear me..

All I have are words, words can reach where my eyes can't see
they encompass a feeling but they can't tell the whole story about me
So I find songs that can resonate about my pain
These ain't songs about hate but I know I'll never love the same.
In the night, I hear 'em talk,
the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless..
How could you be so heartless?
Oh.. How could you be so heartless?
How could you be so, cold as the winter wind when it breeze, yo
Just remember that you talkin' to me though
You know need to watch the way you talkin' to me, yo
I mean after all the things that we've been through
I mean after all the things we got into
Hey yo, I know of some things that you ain't told me
Hey yo, I did some things but that's the old me
And now you wanna get me back and you gon' show me
So you walk around like you don't know me
You got a new friend, well I got homies
But in the end it's still so lonely
In the night, I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless..
How could you be so heartless?
Oh.. How could you be so heartless?
How could be so Dr. Evil, you bringin' out a side of me that I dont know..
I decided we weren't gon' speak so
Why we up 3 A.M. on the phone
Why does she be so mad at me fo'
Homie I dont know, she's hot and cold
I won't stop, I won't mess my groove up
'Cause I already know how this thing go
You run and tell your friends that you're leaving me
They say that they don't see what you see in me
You wait a couple months then you gon' see
You'll never find nobody better than me
In the night, I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless..
How could you be so heartless?
Oh.. How could you be so heartless?
Talkin', talkin', talkin', talk
Baby let's just knock it off
They don't know what we been through
They don't know 'bout me and you
So I got something new to see
And you just gon' keep hatin' me
And we just gon' be enemies
I know you can't believe
I could just leave it wrong
And you can't make it right I'm gon' take off tonight
Into the night...
In the night, I hear 'em talk,
the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless..
How could you be so heartless?
Oh.. How could you be so heartless?
~Kayne West

Monday, November 03, 2008

One of those days

My head feels heavy, it could be the congestion or it could be all the thoughts running around causing me to be a little light headed. I know, how can my head feel heavy if its light headed? I don't know. To be honest with you I don't understand alot of things that happen in life, Particularly my life, things shouldn't be so damn hard..people are by nature simple.

For a much as I like to say that everyone is different, the things that I need in my life are pretty much the same as everyone else. I need to be nourished, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
If I thought I was lonely before, now I'm a damn Island. The comfort I had in talking to someone that I thought loved me and cherish me has been eradicated and replaced with empty words and memories that really don't mean anything. If I were told that after being with someone for 3yrs all you'll have is memories I'd tell that person to go sit it on it. The gestures bring no comfort, the pleasantries are just that... pleasantries, who stays in a relationship just for the consolation prize? I'll tell you, NO ONE!

So here I am, evaluating myself, I'm trying to pick myself up from a hole that I help dig. I would love nothing more than act like she's acting and have the dumb self serving responses, to act in rash manner because the situation calls for it. Is it responsible to act irresponsible if you know that it will help?

I was asked what I will be looking for in the next person that I meet ( Its a scary thing to think about since I don't know if I'll be ready for a long time) but I was able to scribble some things down.
1. Integrity-Does what they say they'll do.
2. A true understanding of themselves, (I can't go through anymore growing pains with women.)
3.Someone that has a strong foundation, friends and a social life outside of me.
4.Lives their life for them and not what others want them to live
5.Most importantly someone that knows how to love themselves so if God willing they can love me the right way.

I don't think its too much to ask to be with someone thats figured out who they are so they don't have to use me to figure that out..