Wow, 366 days,,

I mean its not like its the last day of school or anything and I can just throw my papers in the air....though it would be nice if we could just be like redo because its the new year. I wish but tomorrow will be like any other day except it will end with an 09. I've already did a review of this year and to be honest I really don't have much of anything new to say. I've come to realize that I really miss my family, I haven't laughed that much since I was living at Mechanic and everyone was there just chillin. I've traveled a lot this year, well for not being a business traveler I did some flying albeit alone, which I don't like...I don't like doing things alone......I'm better in a pair then flying solo everywhere ( damn I have to stop seussing- {I made that word up})

Anyways the trip up to GR was good, I spent time with my sis and Noah, took them out to brunch like the cool brother that I am, we talked, we laughed-the common variable this past weekend...I know where I get my silliness, its my mom..and I know where I get the other conflict traits, My dad.
I'm rambling, I should go shave because I look like a wookie right now!

It was nice to meet you 2008, can't say that I enjoyed you as much as I'd hope but we tried right, so I don't know how to tell you this but you should probably go...2009 is waiting for me.

A Sentimental Playlist

A valiant try, to navigate to your heart through lyric and song.
I've picked out 10, no make that 15, oh lets just say an even 20. 20 songs that will tell a story, a story about how I met a girl. Through perfect and imperfect circumstances we met and our conversation lasted, it lasted years, I thought I'd be in the middle of that for rest of my life. Even though I didn't know you and you didn't know me, you had my playlist. Each song, each tune told you how I felt about you. It was never meant to last you see, I was passing by on my way to my life, your words, your curves, your eyes and your sweet lies they all came together but the list had to end.

It took ever nerve inside me to ask and Its taken every nerve to Let Go.

Coming down to the end, I think I'll ride it out..

Goodluck, takecare, and peace out.

Thanks Mom

So I know this is a picture of a picture and that you can see the little HP in the back, well that happens to be the scanner that I was trying to use but it doesn't work so I'm doing a ghetto post.
This is a pic of me and my mom way back when, she's pretty great and I'm very happy to have her as my mom. She gave me the best present today, a ticket to come see her and my family! I'm pretty stoked about that seeing how I would be sitting in my house today by myself eating ramen noodles.

I'm sure everyone has their hero's, mine just happens to be my mom! =)
Merry Christmas...

Another version to a wonderful song..

If the fish swam out of the ocean
and grew legs and they started walking
and the apes climbed down from the trees
and grew tall and they started talking

and the stars fell out of the sky
and my tears rolled into the ocean
now i'm looking for a reason why
you even set my world into motion

'cause if you're not really here
then the stars don't even matter
now i'm filled to the top with fear
but it's all just a bunch of matter
'cause if you're not really here
then i don't want to be either
i wanna be next to you
black and gold
black and gold
black and gold

i looked up into the night sky
and see a thousand eyes staring back
and all around these golden beacons
i see nothing but black

i feel a way of something beyond them
i don't see what i can feel
if vision is the only validation
then most of my life isn't real

'cause if you're not really here
then the stars don't even matter
now i'm filled to the top with fear
but it's all just a bunch of matter
'cause if you're not really here
then i don't want to be either
i wanna be next to you
black and gold
black and gold
black and gold
Listen here

Because I'm bored

They couldn't help but notice

Hey ya'll

$$$

Because sometimes sports matter

This is why I'm hot

Can't sleep..

I don't know how it started again..but Its ten after 2 and I can't fall asleep?!
That kind of worries me..

I guess I'll try harder..

3 more days till Christmas..

No snow, no ice, but yet this might be the coldest christmas!

9 days left and this year is over...looking for a fresh start in the odd year..

Ok, I'm boring myself into sleep so I guess this worked..

Xmas

I find it funny the things that people give each other for presents. I have a rich history of interesting gifts, I've been given a pair of pj's for Xmas from my ass hole step-father but he also got me a tool box( though that doesn't make up for him being a tool...no pun intended) I've gotten a VHS tape that I found out didn't work, along with a Betty bop wallet which I think I still have somewhere, in fact I might of used it briefly. Its rare that I get what I asked for and even when I do the person who gave it me to acts as if they don't like what I asked for?!

You're probably saying he's being stupid, OK, perhaps but I remember Christmas circa 1987 *I might be off a year or two* when my folks took me to walmart to pick out my present, it should be a win win situation for me right? Wrong! I picked a Nintendo game system, it was the last one on the shelf and I picked it up and took it to my cart. Man I was soo happy because I thought I was getting a Nintendo; I could see myself playing Mario all day the next day. Somehow, I don't know how they decided that the Nintendo wasn't right for me!? So they picked out this other system, it was a learning system called Socrates and it cost more than the stupid Nintendo! You know how bummed I was, that I fooled myself into thinking if I answered all the damn math questions with out missing one that I would unlock Double Dragon at the end of it..that never panned out but I did get really good at math..thanks Ma & Alex.

I feel a little bit sheepish bringing it up since I have contributed to one of those gifts that makes you scratch your head..I sold my bread maker two days ago to a very spirited lady off craigslist.
As we exchanged our final goodbyes she told me she was giving this as a present to her ex-boyfriend who she is still friendly with. I thought of the irony of it all, My whatever you wanna call it is contributing to yet another head scratching move...the lady seemed attached to this man and here she was buying him a bread maker, nothing says "I couldn't care less what you want" than giving a bread maker to a MAN. I get it now, It just took me a year to figure it out.

So I would like to apologize to that ex-boyfriend who will be getting my bread maker. I didn't do anything to deserve it but you must of been a real piece of work!

Posting..

As of late I've been contemplating about shutting down, as in just not ever writing on this blog/journal or as I like to say this open wound again. I'm pretty sure that I have no clue of how I actually feel right now. If I were to describe myself in a color I would say that I'm a shade of Melancholy that is close to enough to be mistaken for sad. I think God created Love to keep people from ever getting too smart, because as clever, witty or smart as I ever feel when it comes to loving someone that I shouldn't love, I'm absolutely stupid.

Damnit, I'm at crossing at a pivotal point in that I need to make a conscience decision to never go back, I could love you forever and I could say I'd wait forever but I have a life to live that doesn't involve maybe's and flaky desicion making. You think...I don't know what you think, I don't know you anymore. I literally don't know who you are anymore. I am but stranger at your door, with words that meant something but they don't mean shit anymore. I can ponder, I can hope, I can try to do things that will help me cope but I don't want to know you anymore. Everyday traces of you chip away, yesterday I forgot how I met you, today I don't recognize your smile, and tomorrow well tomorrow who knows what else might wash away.

Its not ok but there isn't much I can do about it anyway.

Sometimes..

sometimes i just need: to yell as loud as possible.

sometimes i want: to just disappear for a while
sometimes i like to: say absurd things for the reactions
sometimes all it takes: is a smile..

sometimes i picture: sitting on a bench smiling and being happy with the choices I’ve made.

sometimes i wish: That I was the first and only choice.

sometimes i find: it hard to hide my feelings when i really need to be hiding my feelings.

sometimes i take: The longest way home because I don’t want to be alone.

sometimes i look: great but feel like shit

sometimes i hate: having to wait for things to become clear

sometimes it’s nice: to just not care..

sometimes it hurts: to think back how much I’ve been taken for granted.

sometimes it makes me happy: helping others that didn’t expect my help but were appreciative anyways.
sometimes it’s sad: to think about how much time I wasted on one part of my life.

sometimes i listen: to nothing, absolute silence. Its extremely loud when this happens.

sometimes i sleep: with 5 pillows.

sometimes i like to watch: Girly shows….

sometimes i feel: like I was born in the wrong era.

sometimes i rant: About sports..

sometimes i never: know when to say no.

sometimes i really: wonder if i'm ever truly awake.(I kept this one because I totally think about this..alot)

When I’m ..

sad, i want: to be around people that love me.

happy, i need: to be able to share it..

mad, i wish: I acted like I didn’t care..

overjoyed, i find: I feel like a kid again.

indifferent, i like to: Just let things happen.

content, i never: I’m never really content..

frustrated, all it takes: A good release of energy to ease my angst.

If..

you saw your best friend on one side of the road, but you also saw one of your close family members on the other side, and they were both in serious danger, who would you go to help first?... My famly...

you had the choice of going back in time or to go forward in time to see the future, which would you choose?... I think like an analyst, so I could effect both by going back in time..so I’d go back..

jesus was standing right in front of you, what would you say to him?... I’m trying really hard but I need your help, please give me peace

26 days..

Thats all that is left from 2008...Geez, Its crazy that you could blink and its done! I think its hilarious how time can drag its feets or just rush on by whatever it does you never really have a choice in the matter-you're an unwilling passenger!

Anyways I had another little session lastnight and I'm actually glad that I decided to go to the rapy..I'm a conflicted person in that I fight my logic and my heart, Its humerous to me that I'm really dumb when it comes to this...the matters of the heart but then again love is blind. (ugh cliche)

I'm soo sleepy right now..that i think I'm going to go out to my car and take a little nap..

I don't know

I look at that picture, the one that your family has so kindly posted of you and your boyfriend ( saying it makes me a bit uneasy) makes me extremely sad. The heading over your group pic stings as well but I suppose that it is part of life, we don't mean as much to others as we think...I wish I could say I reacted in a positive way but who am I kidding, I'm emotionally charged and my logic takes a backseat at that point. It would be nice if I could I could just forget you and replace you like you're doing with me.

I don't know you anymore, I look at you and you're a stranger. There are hints of what I knew but those are just words that mean as much as our past.
One day this blog will consist of things that don't refer to you. One day I'll go through the day without whispering your name, one day my mind won't linger on the thought of you, One day you'll stop to matter, One day I'll stop wondering why you had to go, and one day I'll stop loving you. Soon that day will come.