I apparently have lost the taste for watching sports?

I feel a bit anxious sitting in a place where I'm suppose to be watching something instead of talking. The act of conversation is something that is really appealing to me. I like talking to people, I feel like I can talk to anyone, well almost anyone. I went to a therapist this past week and to be honest with you I don't like it, I don't like how the act of it has really become a commodity. A stranger basically told me that there was a treatment plan that she hoped to develop for me? What? Seriously I don't think I'm capable of following something like that because I don't follow others, I walk to my own beat, I go against grain.

It sucks, I'm my worst enemy right now. I know it, I feel it, but its how it is. I know there are parallels that people can draw from to relate to me. Its just whether I can do it, it whether I want to do it. I don't like pain and this fucking awkwardness that I feel right now, the loneliness is just eating at me. The questions about why I'm not married or whatever you wanna call it...I hate it, I hate that I have to explain that its not by my damn choice that I'm not married, that i don't have someone to go home to. I invested in myself as much as humanly possible and then they quickly say "aw, it wasn't meant to be, you'll find someone..." Yeah I know.........you'll know when..damn it I knew, I knew..

From the moment that I left
Everything had changed
Now I lay awake in my empty room
In my head it all feels the same

Like the taste of the day I left
That still lingers on my breath
And the dampness of tears that left
A stain where I had wept

All alone with a diamond ring
That still sits next to my bed
I keep meaning to toss it away
But I just leave it there instead

No need to cry about it
I'll move on without it
Every time I wind up out your door

Why do you do this to me?
You cut right through me
Every time I wind up out your door

It was 1 more day 'til I saw your face
so nervous, so anxious, couldn't keep up the pace
cleaned the house and made up the bed
Dialed your number but all got was a busy tone instead.

Never took you for granted
You’re were my reason for living
there’s no way I was giving up,

Didn't think I would cry about it
I'll move on without you
Seems like every time I wind up out your door.

How did you do this to me?
You fucking lied to me
Every time I wind up back on the floor.

Now every night is a bitter fight
And I’m eating home alone on a Thursday night
I wasted my good love and time
I will never let you conquer my mind

I won't cry about it
I'll be better without it
In time you'll start to regret it
and when you call you'll hear me say "learn how to live with it"

You'll stroll around and smile like nothing is wrong
You'll lie to those who love you
But the lies you tell will catch up to you, it won't be long
You can makes excuses but it wasn't me this was all you.

I'm gonna live my life, won't let another barley slip through my fingers
I hope you enjoy yours, lesson plans, one night stands, new friends, pot and beer cans.

Life is a bitch and apparently I loved one too!

Trippin over trips

I had a great time seeing my family this weekend, it was much needed and long over due.

I can't tell you how excited and curious I was when I arrived in Grand Rapids Thursday night..4 yrs is a long time to be away. Friday morning I just drove around, I went to my old Academy and was surprised by the changes, I went by old coffee shops I use to go to write my sappy poems, I visited my high school and was asked If I need a attendance pass like I still went to school there? That was actually sorta of funny..

Alex found me at Barnes & Noble and we hung out till Mom got out of work. It was really sneaky of us, Alex picked her up from work and I followed incognito in my rental. A couple of times I thought that she had seen me. So anyways we get to the restaurant and Alex and Mom go inside...I tried calling her to wish her happy birthday ( which was a day later and not on Friday like I thought! oops) anyways I got right next to her and I said something like hey stranger or something totally awesome. She was really happy to see me..it was really nice to know that I made her day by just coming up to see her. So I just hung out with my ladies this weekend, mom found some old pics and poems..stuff from like the summer of 04..which I probably should of kept but it was hard to read them...I feel it now but 10 times more than back then. I guess I thought I could fly to places and just have this be something I left behind me, on the way home.. I realized that its still on the surface, very real and very strong. I got one more trip planned..in two week back to Michigan for Alex's wedding, that will be very hard on me for many reasons...

anyways..

Colliding with the past when you're trying to live in the now can be a tricky thing.

I took this picture of me yesterday...what I find interesting is that I was trying to smile..I think I took the picture like 3 times until I finally said screw it..

The man who writes about himself and his own time is the only man who writes about all people and all time. - George Bernard Shaw

I don't really get it? What are you exactly are you trying to say? I mean to be honest sometimes I like Chinese fortune cookies better. I carry this one in my wallet..I got it while I was eating at Pei Wei like a month ago..

" A lifetime of happiness lies ahead of you." Author Charlie the chimp..

but nonetheless I like it, I get it, and I'm looking forward to it..

Ah...Que Vida!

Who wants a bread maker?

I'm selling a bread maker for pretty cheap..its been used twice..? if you're interested leave a comment or email me..

short lived beard

Since the cubs got swept from the playoff's I guess it would be kind of ridiculous to still sport the rally beard.

Anyways....

Its been a very hard couple of months for me, I've never been under as much stress as I have this summer. The holidays aren't going to be easier but just a brutal reminder. Having to tell myself to let go and actually telling her has been overwhelming. I know that I'm not ready but I know that I'd never be ready, my mental health is falling apart... I'm tired of feeling sad and I'm tired of thinking about how everything went to shit.
I know I should be mad, that I should have a ton of anger inside of me and I do fight the urge to punch a hole in the wall but more than that I just feel incredibly sad. That sadness is killing me, I can't lie to myself...its really hard to think about anything else. I've been keeping myself busy but come on, this is bigger than just a little break up..I lost more than just girlfriend, she was my best friend, my family, and I can't help but hurt. It hit me Sunday that I had to let go, that I can't try to be there for her or be the same person with her anymore because I'm going to lose myself if I keep on doing that.

normalcy..that's the state of being normal or regular.

how can anything be normal or regular after this?

what a waste...

4 dudes and a microphone..

I can't say that I share the mic all that much maybe its the enamorous need to be the center of attention..I kid, I actually shy away from that type attention. Heck I still don't know what to do when someone pays me a compliment on my insatiable taste for shoes, or my growing collection of hats (that I'm now straying away from ball caps and venturing into the more grown up cabby hats).

Also I decided to grow a beard for the baseball playoff run...if the cubs don't win the world series I guess I'll be wearing a beard for a while..or till my job says to shave.

Anyways this is a blah post and I'm sorta of not in the mood to write anymore..

Being heard

Jared made a good point this past weekend.
" How is that I find women that take everything from me and then leave me with nothing?"
I don't know how to love any other way, I took a big big risk by letting Holly back into my life 2 1/2 yrs ago, ignoring the advice of many of my friends but I did it because I loved her soo much that I would take that chance, that I would gamble my heart again. When we were together it was great, it was right...

I could of been just a whatever kind of guy and not really gave it my all when it was hard but the way my heart pounds when I see her and how my skin tingles when she touches me. Why wouldn't I give my all, if you risk everything you can lose everything but you can also win everything. I wasn't scared of not asking her to marry me, I was scared of not asking her to marry me. No one can say that I didn't give it my all, that I didn't do everything I could do. I wouldn't do any other way even now when I can't tell which way is up.

Perhaps in the last post I was too harsh in that I wish I never met her, I don't mean any of that...
This has been the big disappointment of my life because she is the love of my life. The scope of my pain is the measurement of how much she meant to me.

I just need to remember that It wasn't just up to me..you can't give your life to someone that doesn't know what they want.

If I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh, oh,
Be my baby
Ohhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I'll always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

Oh, oh
Be my baby
Ohhhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my Baby
I'll look after you
And I'll look after you

If ever there was a doubt
My love she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says most assuredly

Oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you
After You
Oh, oh
Be my baby
Ohhhhh

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own

Oh, oh
Be my baby
Ohhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

You are so beautiful to me
~ The fray

Sitting here

I don't know where to turn or where to go, I'm living in a nightmare, I just don't know when I get to wake up so It can end.

The disappointment I have in my heart is soo heavy that I feel like I'm climbing 6 feet out of the ground because I feel like a piece of me died.

We, I say we because I know she's felt this way too; we've struggled and have been frustrated and tired. All I want to do is be with her, I just want to be with her. Nothing else matters, we've let so much time past I've been ready for it for some time now. I put everything on the line this past weekend..I took a trip with no certain outcome...what do you when you love someone, you fight for them..I'm strong but I don't know how many times I can get up after taking blow after blow.. Leaving her has never been soooo hard, I contemplating just staying, just never coming back..I love my friends but they're not my life,they'll be my friends till I die but I'm talking about the love of my life,the woman I want to grow old with, have kids with...how can I just let it slip away, my whole heart is with her. She's my family, she my lady, she's my best friend. Yes I'm mad and yes I'm frustrated but most of all I'm just sad...I'm just sad. I don't want to feel like this anymore..seeing her was wonderful but having her right in front of me and then having too leave, there's no words to describe it..

I think regardless of what happens I'm leaving the States, for as much as it gives its also taken from me...

My stache

I tried to make fun of myself by well growing a mustache..I'm very capable of doing this because I have to shave right after I shave...so anyways I attempted to make the stache stick..this is me friday afternoon...I went out looking like this.....it lasted one night. I woke up and the thing was changing my personality. I was having cravings for denim shorts, trucker hats, and need to drink milk...odd, I know.

Heard your voice the other day

worked hard to choke away the tears..

There I listen in the stillness of my gray sky

Thinking there's nothing here to hold me now

tried to let go and all that came were tears.

Could you grant me a wish, just one wish, just one more kiss

kiss me, let me hold you till the nightlight meets day

Is there a way to play make believe

I know, there ain't nothing I can do but I'll play the fool

dream on with me like I do with you.

the night is closing in

Baby just love me all the way this time
Whisper truth, tell me sweet things

forget the troubles, I know who you are,

I understand

Even though we're covered in veils of mystery,

your lips erase my misery.
In you I've found my treasure

Filled my head full of pefect dreams

Can't you see,I'm putting down all my walls,

just take me, take all of me.

the night is here
Baby lets go all the way this time

Won't you love me all the way this time

Heard your voice the other day

choked on my tears

As I sat still under the dark gray sky.

Pain shoots through my hands
These long lonely nights
Are making me crazy
Morning won't come fast enough
Just a face in the Crowd as I let them pass me by

Faith gone from your eyes
Each word leaves as fast as it came
You're leaving me further away
so when that day comes
I've got no easy way to cry

As I think of you leave
I'm trapped inside, glued to my chair.
everywhere I go I find you
everything connects you to my mind
How right it all should be.

I expected something more, I wanted soo much more.
every time I got close I was left so far, so far behind.
If that's what this is about, this thing that we're in
then I'm ready, I'm willing, I'm for your war.

If you expect that I'll wither away like flowers on your wall
then perhaps you should rethink you're approach, I'm not leaving and I'm not going to fall.
I'm pushing away thoughts and fighting back tears
because I'm soo close to losing everything that we've gained in the past few years.

For as far as you might be, the distance, the time, I can feel you in my heart, you reside there
You've never left,
when I sleep, I sleep thinking of you,
when I dream, I dream of about being with you.

I wanna be next to you.
I need to be next to you.

Sitting on the bed enduring your punch

can’t pay attention to the sound of anyone

a little more numb, a little more scared

every minute more unprepared

I felt my heart break today

everything I loved got swept in tears

I want to start over, I want to be winning, smiling, being next to you

I'm way out of sync from the beginning, way to far from where we began.

I wanna hurry home to you

put my arms around you, be slow, do a show for you

and crack you up

Looking for somewhere to stand and stay

I leaned on the wall and the wall leaned away

Can I get a minute of not being nervous

and not thinking of being sick

My legs are heavy, my legs are pins

I liked to be honest, I'm losing my shit, I wish I was better but I can't help but feel it

I wanna hurry home to you, put my arms around you,

be slow, do a show for you

and crack you up

You know I dreamed about you

for twenty-nine years before I saw you

You know I dreamed about you

I missed you for twenty-nine years

You know I dreamed about you

for twenty-nine years before I saw you

You know I dreamed about you

I missed you for twenty-nine years

Big day for phone lovers around the world

So if you were hmmm, lucky enough to stand in line to pick up the new 3G Iphone today well I applaud you for taking that dive into technology heaven. Apparently you'll be able to control your Itunes on your computer from your phone like a remote control..here a link to the demo.
this is what happens when you trying leaving Verizon

sorry thats the wrong clip, this is the one I think you should check out

remote

So yeah after seeing that and all the hoopla I'm a bit on edge, I really need my Iphone Fix, so if anyone wants to sell me their old Iphones, yeah..I'm up for it..

I passed a cell phone store this morning on the way to work but no one was waiting outside for the Iphone there, I don't know maybe it was the sign that turned them off, ha ha..get it..have a great weekend.

Doodle of words..

How do you say goodbye to someone you can't imagine living without...
when words won't suffice to express how your life will be a void..
Oh to save our time together, I'd place it in a time capsule for others to find
so that people could know what It means to be in love.

Once, I thought I was great..No thing, no one could bind me
but then you came along and my sun rised and set with you.
My armor melted down and your lovely grace left me standing in place.
I thought I was living but I'd been sleepin until you.

How do you say goodbye to someone you can't imagine living without?
I would miss your face, the smell of your skin and the sound of your dear voice.
You terrorized me with your perfect lips, from them I heard love and lust
from them i ate love and from this they feed off this mess.

Even now, as I sit here drenched in the summer rain waiting for you I can't walk away..
you were the longest journey I've had but its been worth it if you're waiting at the end.

Sometimes timing has everything to do with it.

I don't know what it is about taking pictures of things that don't really fit or that some how are out of place. This was taken outside of a Firstwatch, I love Firstwatch and apparently so does this small patron that was coming in for his usual, the Floridian French Toast, he was told to make sure to pay his tab before he left. He responded by saying " Just put it on my Bill"

:)

HA, HA..yeah I know its corny...

Its just a name!

So a few of us ( Me,Bakes, Tical, and Justin) went to Vampire Weekend. There was a ticket available for this activity but every time they asked for the name of the concert they made this weird face like" Gross, how you could go to a vampire weekend!?"

Yeah, you all missed out, Erin and Kristy from PR's! Losers....

So yeah we get there and Club Firestone isn't gritty and cave like, I've been all wrong about that place...the show, because it was a show was great!! For those that don't like live concerts its crucial that you listen to all the songs of the band you're going to go, when you know the words or at least know a little bit of the words makes a huge difference! That's all I'm saying.

Another thing I found out this weekend is that women are as crazy and evil as men are. There isn't a difference between what a man will do and what a women would do. You can't say that "a woman would never do that" because you know what, there's nothing that a women is incapable of doing! I'll leave it at that.

OH, i do give a freak about an Oxford Comma. I might of misued it in this post.

Private Blogs

In my honest opinion I think having a private blog is perhaps the dumbest thing I've ever heard of, you have a blog. What is a blog= A frequently updated journal or diary usually, often hosted by a third party. The last part is the most crucial part, often hosted by a third party. That means that its really not private if you're hosting on a free website like blogspot/blogger. SO who are you trying to fool?I mean if you really want to write secrets or shit that you don't want anyone to read about, write in your little diary and store it under your pillow. Anyways just a pet peeve.